|
Page 2 of 2
Before they can move past the anger and hurt - helping everybody concerned -- they must understand the disorder. The mounds of books about ADHD, however, can't supplant real-life experience - though many partners read volumes of books seeking understanding. They can name all the sub-types and behaviors, but not until they hear exactly how those behaviors play out with others in their shoes does the fog start lifting.
New members often limp into the online support groups, utterly beleaguered and bedraggled or, at best, befuddled. Seldom bemused. Some dart back out again, citing no time for a group because they live with so many crises, not to mention high-needs children. Others need time to rant or grapple with the shocking fact that they've squandered years or maybe even decades to needless frustration. All for lack of information. Some come post-divorce, asking, "What was that train wreck that just happened?" Others conclude they're dealing with "ADD lite," count their blessings and exit.
Gradually, many who remain find clarity. They challenge each other to re-examine long-held expectations about gender roles, relationships, and their own core issues. They remind each other to detach a bit from the behavior and focus on themselves for a while. They encourage each other to help the partner find help. (You can't expect someone whose very disorder inhibits initiation to suddenly spring into action and find a qualified care-provider.)
Change happens. With each other's support,
--They find workable communication techniques and chore-sharing arrangements
--They learn to set better boundaries with partners whose life goal seems to be trampling on their boundaries.
--They learn to focus more on what makes them happy. They develop their own interests and activities to "charge their batteries."
--They gain confidence to insist on finding doctors and therapists who will work with them and accept their input not as "controlling" but as filling in the sizeable gaps usually left out by their partners.
--They develop and hold a vision for what can be because their partners often have lived so many years with what cannot be. If they're lucky, the partners to these people with ADHD learn valuable lessons about damaged egos - their own and their partner's -- and how to reach beyond them. And, they find the partner they always knew was there, underneath the noise. Their partner's ADHD has pushed them both to become better people, and their lives are richer for it.
About the author: San Francisco-based writer Gina Pera moderates an online support group for partners of people with ADHD, and she is writing a book based on members' collective experiences and wisdom, "Rollercoaster: Loving an Adult with ADHD." She recently started a support group in Palo Alto and assumed leadership of Silicon Valley CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactvity Disorder). For more information: http://adhdrollercoaster.org/about-2/
Her work producing special issues for USA Weekend magazine garnered the "Best Magazine Edition" award from The Association for Women in Communications and a Unity Award in Media, which recognizes accurate exposure of issues affecting minorities and disabled persons.
Addictional information for partners of ADHDers
next: The Impact of ADHD on Marriage
|
