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Leaving You with Food For Thought
Most parents do the very best job they can raising their children, yet often worry that it isn't good enough. Consequently, Dr. Russell Barkley's comments provide much needed reassurance, "The good news is that most parents of ADHD children are doing things right...typical parental mistakes are not irreparable or long lasting."
Here are a several parenting suggestions that my family has found effective:
1) Praise or reward good behaviour and impose reasonable consequences for inappropriate behaviour without obliterating the teen's self esteem.
2) Take charge and change the things you can. Actions that parents can take to influence a child's successful outcome include: seek accommodations at school to ensure academic success, fine-tune medication, use positive parenting practices, provide supervision, avoid hostile interactions and harsh punishment, avoid nagging and personal attacks, and last and perhaps most importantly, believe in your child!
3) Consequences should be instructive, not just punitive! Teach your child skills or to compensate for his deficits, rather than simply punish him for lacking essential life skills.
4) Be positive. Reframe ADHD behaviors! Parents must continually monitor their negative thoughts, comments and actions and make a special effort to recognize and praise the child's strengths and successes. View the "cup as half full rather than half empty". Just as we did with our boys, take a closer second look at ADHD behaviours to find and nurture their positive elements.
5) Stay cantered and steady in your belief in your child's ultimate success! Parents may see their teenager struggling at school, having conflicts with authority figures or perhaps even having a few brushes with law enforcement. As a result, the family is often bombarded with negative messages from a variety of sources: the school, counsellors, doctors, or the juvenile court system. We hear the classic lines: "He could do it if he would only try. You've got to punish him. He has to be responsible for his actions.
A positive self-fulfilling philosophy is very powerful: if you convey by word and action that you expect your teenager to be responsible, he will usually rise to your expectations. In other words, if parents believe their teenager is "good and will succeed in life, then he probably will. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. If parents think their teenager is "bad" and treat him as though he is "bad", the teenager will have greater difficulty succeeding.
6) Treat your teenager as a partner and involve him in the problem-solving process. Empower teenagers, treat them with respect, listen to and address their concerns.
7) Listen to your teenager! For example if medication refusal is a problem, you may find-if you ask-that they are too embarrassed to go to the office to take it.
8) "Keep a disability perspective" is excellent advice given by Dr. Russell Barkley! For some of these children ADHD is truly a disability. I frequently have to remind myself of these words of wisdom. The invisible nature of ADHD as a disability makes it so easy to assume that the child could do the task if he would just try. A child with diabetes would not be blamed or punished for his inability to regulate blood sugar levels. Similarly, children with ADHD can't regulate the level of their neurotransmitters and should not just be punished for their "ADHD behaviours".
9) Remember that "ADHD behaviours" are part of the condition; not malicious misbehaviour! Because of their four to six year developmental lag, they may act less mature and assume less responsibility. Because they are impulsive, they don't always think of the consequences before they act or speak. Because they are forgetful and disorganized, they may forget chores or assignments lose things or have a bedroom that is a wreck. Because of their impaired sense of time, they are going to be late. Because of their sleep disturbances, they have trouble falling asleep or may be extremely difficult to wake up. Because they don't learn from punishment and reward as easily as other children, they will be more difficult to discipline and may repeat misbehaviour.
10) Try a few of my favourite parenting strategies:
a. If you can't change the "ADHD behaviour", change the environment. Buy your tardy child a wrist watch alarm or beep him when he is due home.
b. Use depersonalization. Try saying, "Teenagers with ADHD often have trouble remembering their homework assignments. Sometimes this seems to be true for you. How can I help you solve this problem?"
c. Give choices. Teenagers who are given choices are more compliant, less aggressive, and produce more school work. "Do you want to start homework at 7:00 or 7:30?"
d.Teach skills. Teach time management, social skills, study skills, or anger management.
In Closing
Sometimes we forget that ADHD is no picnic for our children! They did not ask to have this disorder. An eight-year-old child prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me have ADHD." A teenager cried, "Am I going to feel this way all my life? I feel like I am going to die of anxiety or go crazy."
Although parenting these children is often more difficult, requires more energy, and takes longer than for other children, don't give up. Continue to believe in yourself and in your teenager! Hopefully, you will be as lucky as my husband and I: as young adults, our sons are our best friends.
Please spend a few minutes now and take a second look at teenagers from a fresh vantage point. What are their strengths and special talents? Involve them as a partner: a partner who, with your love and support, will try their best to cope successfully with this challenge called ADHD!
Written in loving memory of my father,
JUDGE William L. ABNEY, JR
ADHD at its best!!
October 24, 1916 - June 15, 1997
next: Guiding Principles for Parent and Teenager Interactions
References:
Barkley, Russell A. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. New York: The Guilford Press, 1998.
Brown, Thomas E. Attention Deficit Disorders and Comorbidities in Children, Adolescents, and Adults. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press, 2000.
Dendy, Chris A. Zeigler Teaching Teens with ADD and ADHD (Summary 28). Bethesda, MD: Woodbine House, 2000
Dendy, Chris A. Zeigler Teenagers with ADD. Bethesda, MD: Woodbine House, 1995.
About the author: Chris Dendy has over 35 years experience as a teacher, school psychologist, mental health counselor and administrator plus perhaps more importantly, she is the mother of two grown sons with ADHD. Ms. Dendy is the author of two popular books on ADHD and producer of two videotapes, Teen to Teen: the ADD Experience and Father to Father. She is also cofounder of Gwinnett County CHADD (GA) and a member and Treasurer of the national CHADD Board of Directors.
For more information contact CHADD at 8181 Professional Place, Suite 201, Landover, MD 20875; http://www.chadd.org/
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