Parent of children with ADHD looks back at the struggles of parenting an ADHD child and the joys that followed.

Part II in a two part series published in CHADD's ATTENTION magazine:

In the last newsletter the academic and behavioural challenges that so often accompany ADHD were discussed. In addition the typical teen challenges of achieving independence plus more serious issues such as driving, drug use, suicide risk, and brushes with the law were reviewed. Several intervention strategies were suggested.

Part II

Thankfully the challenging teenage years are now behind our family. Our sons Steven and Alex are now 31 and 27, respectively, and have grown up to be responsible, productive adults. Steven, our oldest, is a college graduate, married, the father of two children, owns his home, and has a wonderful management job in a manufacturing plant. Alex is only two courses shy of college graduation and is looking forward to a career in the criminal justice or computer fields. Early on we made a conscious decision to accept the fact that our boys might be on a six to eight year college plan. In the overall scheme of a 70 year life span, two or three extra years in college are not a big deal.

Looking back

However, our lives have not always looked so rosy and optimistic. When our sons were in high school my husband and I both had serious doubts whether or not they would graduate from high school, let alone be successful in college. Fortunately, high school grades were not a good predictor of their performance in college. Although Steven struggled initially, he graduated from college making mostly A's and B's in his major classes. The same has been true for Alex; they both have been on the Dean's list several times.

Reframing: Taking a Second Look at Strengths

Thankfully, the perception of "good and bad" behaviour changes with the passage of time. Certain behaviours that are not endearing in children may be highly valued in adults. For example, although hyperactivity is not particularly desirable in school, "high energy" and the ability to work long hours at the office is highly valued. So it is critically important for parents to learn to reframe, or look at "negative" ADHD behaviors in a positive way and share this philosophy with their child. In the following paragraphs, several examples are given for reframing some of our sons' so called, "negative ADHD behaviours".

Our son, Steven, with his classic ADHD combined type, was a charming class clown. His teachers always loved him. Sometimes he could get away with saying or doing things because his teachers liked him. Typically if he got into trouble, he was able to talk them into giving milder punishments. These adaptive skills serve him well in his present work. Like many youngsters with ADHD, he never meets a stranger. Customers find him personable and entertaining. He also gets along well with the employees he supervises.

During the teen years, Steven and his father engaged in loud confrontive arguments. Steven could always hold his own with his Dad. He is very verbal and expresses himself quite well. He is not intimidated by anyone and is not afraid to express his opinions. Now that he is an adult, we can appreciate these skills more fully. The days of loud arguments are long since gone. Steven and his Dad love to fish together. Today, my husband can truthfully say, "Steven is my best friend." Steven also has a gift for working on mechanical things. He could repair just about anything on his car. His pride in his car was obvious: it was always spotlessly clean. Unfortunately, neither son had this same standard of cleanliness for their rooms or the garage. Now that they are older, their organization and cleanliness have improved.

Steven started college prior to diagnosis of his ADHD. Although he never failed a course, "he was invited to leave" after his first year because of his grades. Ultimately, this was actually a blessing in disguise. He went to work in a graphic arts company where he learned the basic skills necessary for working in a paper board packaging company. At age twenty, his ADHD was finally diagnosed. He returned to college and took Ritalin to help him study. His grades improved dramatically from D's to A's and B's.

After graduating, he accepted a management job with the company. He found a career that was a perfect match: a job that required constant activity, dealing with people, working with his hands, utilizing mechanical skills, plus having a high energy level that allows him to easily work long hours.

Our second son, Alex, has ADHD/inattentive so we dealt with a different set of issues with him. He had serious learning problems that were never officially diagnosed and as a result he struggled in school. Although intellectually gifted, he hated school and barely got through by the skin of his teeth. Unlike Steven, Alex was more reserved and distant from most of his teachers. Sometimes he couldn't even remember their names much less try to charm them.

Surprise! Surprise! Alex actually did better in college than he did in high school. We found that college faculty members were more flexible and accommodating than most of his high school teachers. Pursuant to Section 504 he received critical accommodations in classes plus took a lighter load of 12 hours. He had untimed tests, early registration, pick of the teachers, and scheduled classes later in the morning so as to work around his sleep disturbance. Interestingly enough, college students actually spend fewer hours in class each week than high school student's do-12-15 hours vs. 30. Alex has always loved electronic gadgets. He loves operating them, taking them apart, but not always putting them back together. But even this irritating behaviour ultimately has produced a positive outcome. Thankfully, at his present age, he is much better about putting them back together. As a result of his curiosity, he has learned a tremendous amount about electricity, electronics, electrical wiring, and operation of business machines.

Computer science and electronics are major strengths for Alex. He is a wizard working on his computer. He can repair them, rebuild them, and program almost anything. If any of my business machines, phones, or our VCR breaks down, Alex is the one we call to repair it. Although Alex's college major is criminal justice, his minor is in computer science.

Alex has also become quite proficient at home repair. After renting an apartment that looked like a bomb shelter, he spackled the holes in the ceiling and walls, installed a ceiling fan and air-conditioning unit, replaced plumbing, plus repaired the electrical wiring. I'm certain his grades suffered some but he still passed everything. But what wonderful life skills he learned!