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How Can We Promote Self Esteem in Our Children
Allow your children some opportunities to be themselves, letting them choose an activity: remember the story about the parent who went to the zoo and let their child explore the zoo on their agenda. It was so frustrating for the parent who wanted the child to see as much as possible and so rewarding for the child who wanted to spend 2 hours with the penguins!
- Help them develop their own tools for problem solving, resist the temptation to solve for them, and offer support instead.
- Involve your children in discussions, if they are old enough, about what to do if they misbehave, ask them what they could do to prevent it happening again, and what support, if any, do they need from you.Avoid labelling or name calling, even in your mind.
- Remain firm, fair and consistent with discipline.
- To be consistent takes resources, so spend time doing what you need to do to stay calm and patient.
- Listen to your child, pay full attention, with lips shut to show them that what they say really matters to you.
- Use the language of self esteem, 'decide', 'choice', and stress the consequences of choices with your child.
- Make it safe to fail, for you and for them, remember it's OK to apologise if you get it wrong.
- Respect is a 2 way thing - we cannot expect a child to learn to respect others if we do not show them respect from which they can learn this from.
- Become a positive role model, if you are excessively harsh on yourself; pessimistic or unrealistic about your abilities your child may eventually mirror you. In contrast if you nurture your own self esteem your child will have a great role model.
- Show your love to your child.
Remember just like us, children do not acquire self-esteem at once, nor do they always feel good about themselves in every situation. If your child is feeling down you could try this small exercise. You could help them to write a letter to a make believe child who is also having a bad day, let your child advise the make believe child on how to feel good about themselves.
Getting and Giving Criticism
There are times when criticism is necessary, but children with low self-esteem aren't good at accepting criticism - or giving it nicely.
How you give criticism is important. Criticism is the other part of making your child feel loved: sarcastic, negative comments can undo all your hard work to be encouraging. So is there such a thing as good criticism?
If you want to teach your child how to accept criticism, you need to give it in a constructive way.
This means being calm, not angry, and focusing on the behaviour you want to change instead of criticising the person. It also helps if you can find positive things to say to balance the criticism. Using 'I' tends to be less aggressive than 'you'.
So if your child is struggling with a piece of school work, don't say 'you're stupid', but 'I loved the way you read the first page. It's only a couple of words you're stumbling on. That word is…'
All these things apply when your child gives criticism. For example, 'I like playing with you, but it's too cold to play outside today.'
Dealing with Criticism
The best way for your child to deal with criticism is to:
- listen to what's being said. Don't interrupt to contradict or make excuses.
- agree with it, where possible.
- ask questions if unsure about anything.
- admit mistakes and apologise.
- calmly disagree if it's unfair, e.g. by politely saying, 'I don't agree with you'.
next: Social Skills
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