Many children with ADHD have problems with self-esteem. Why? And how can you improve your child's self-esteem?

What is Self-esteem?

There are so many definitions bandied around. We like to think of it simply as being comfortable in your own skin. In children we like to see it as a kind of protective covering that protects them from the sometimes harshness of life making more able to weather the storm, more able to cope with conflict in life, more realistic and more optimistic too. And as parents we play a crucial role in determining how our kids see themselves.

Self-esteem is about self-value. It's not about being bigheaded or bragging. It is about how we see ourselves, our personal achievements and our sense of worth.

Self-esteem is important because it helps children feel proud of who they are and what they do.

It gives them the power to believe in their abilities and the courage to try new things. It helps them develop respect for themselves, which in turn leads to being respected by other people.

We can all get some comfort from knowing that there are no absolute right or wrongs in parenting, no expert can give advice about our own particular situation, as every parent and child is totally unique, it would be impossible to know accurately what each individual situation was like and therefore impossible for any expert to have THE answer.

The thing about nourishing self esteem in our children is that it starts with us as the parent and our own self-esteem. As the quote goes:

'Worry not so much what you say to your child but what you do when you're around them'

Our children notice how we are all the time, which is why we promote the concept of being great role models to our kids and 'being the behaviour you want to see'

So as we move on we must all start off by recognising that we are all doing the best we can for our children and therefore we need to start by giving ourselves a pat on the back for what we are doing well. We need to celebrate our successes with our child and if there are things we read, we would like to have a go at or like to do more of, then make a mental note and start practicing in small steps. We must also celebrate our progress along the way and be kind to ourselves if we get it wrong or fall down along the way.

How is Self-esteem Affected by ADHD?

Your child's self-esteem is shaped by:

• how s/he thinks
• what s/he expects of his/herself
• how other people (family, friends, teachers) think and feel about him/her

Many children with ADHD have problems in school and with teachers and sometimes have difficulties at home. They find it difficult to make and keep friends.

People often don't understand their behaviour and judge them because of it. They disrupt situations, often gaining punishments, so they may find it easier not to bother trying to fit in or do work at school.

All this means children with ADHD often feel badly about themselves. They might think they're stupid, naughty, bad or a failure. Not surprisingly, their self-esteem takes a battering and they find it hard to think anything positive or good about themselves.

The Problem of Exclusion

Hyperactive, disruptive behaviour is a key factor of ADHD. Children with ADHD can't help behaving this way, but teachers trying to cope with a disruptive child may deal with it by excluding her from the classroom.

Birthday parties and social events are a natural part of growing up, but other parents may not want to invite a child who is known to have bad behaviour. Again, this can lead to a child with ADHD being excluded.

Exclusion only adds to your child's negative feelings and reinforces the idea that they are naughty.

How Can You Improve Your Child's Self-esteem?

If your child is lacking in self-esteem, there are things you can do to help.

Praise and reward: you need to make your child feel positive about them self, so try and give praise wherever possible. This can be for large or small actions - for example if they have tried hard at school or helped clear up after a meal. As well as verbal praise, giving small rewards can highlight accomplishments. Get them to exercise their own judgement and praise themselves.

Love and trust: don't attach conditions to your love. Your child needs to know you love her no matter how she behaves. Tell your child she's special and let her know you trust and respect her.

Goals: set goals that are easily achieved and watch your child's confidence grow.

Sports and hobbies: joining a club or having a hobby can build self-esteem. Depending on your child's interests, the activity could be swimming, dancing, martial arts, crafts or cooking. No matter what the hobby, your child will gain new skills to be proud of - and for you to praise. Sometimes children with ADHD will go off their activity, so be prepared to come up with new ideas.

Focus on the positive: get your child to write a list of everything they like about them self, such as their good characteristics and things they can do. Stick it on their bedroom wall or in the kitchen, so they see it every day. Encourage your child to add to it regularly.