When One Sibling is Handicapped

Quite different considerations must come into play when there is a handicapped child in the family, especially if it is a youngster who requires a lot of extra services both in and out of the home. In this case non-handicapped siblings can be resentful of the time spent on their brother or sister. They sense the parent's preoccupation. They feel that often they are receiving only surface attention, that the parent is not really alert to their needs.

There is one critical point that should be made and emphasized in all such cases. Whatever time and effort is spent with the handicapped child, it is done with the goal of improvement-of making the young- better able to function independently. As he improves. the demands on his parents will decrease commensurately, freeing them to devote more time to other members of the family. It actually boils down to, "Come on, let's everyone help-and everyone will ultimately benefit."

However, there are other measures to be taken to lessen sibling rivalry and tension in families with a handicapped child. Every child deserves a certain amount of quality time with a parent. It needn't be long but it should be undivided. Maybe a short quiet chat before bedtime-or lunch at a special restaurant. And when one of the non-handicapped siblings is involved in a school or community function, the parents should make every effort to be there no matter how much advance planning is required. Should the handicapped child go, too? Take your clue from the youngster who is involved in the function-it's his night. Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.

When One Sibling Is Gifted

Different people, including gifted children, have abilities and talents in different areas. Talk openly about this reality with your children so they can begin to develop appropriate expectations for themselves. You can do this by comparing your own strengths with those of your husband/wife or other family members or friends. There are two important points to be emphasized: (1) Don't expect to be great in everything; (2) recognize and develop those areas of strength you do have, Help your children make similar comparisons among themselves in the hope that they will have greater understanding and respect for each other. ("My brother gets all A's in school but he sure can't hit a baseball.")

It's also okay to mention your weaknesses. This can be especially effective if there is something you don't do as well as your non-gifted youngster. ("I wish I could make brownies as good as yours.")

Above all, honesty and acceptance are the greatest consideration you can give your children when the ways in which they are alike and unlike come under discussion.

Some Useful Behavior Management Strategies

Common Mistakes Parents Make in Managing Sibling Rivalry

• Taking sides such as attempting to punish the child who is at fault, usually the one seen pounding on the other child. (How long has this child put up with the taunting of the other child before taking drastic measures?)
• Ignoring appropriate behavior. Parents often ignore their children when they are playing nicely. They only pay attention when a problem arises. (Behavior Mod 101 teaches that behaviors that are ignored (go unrewarded) decrease while behaviors which receive attention (are rewarded) increase.

Simple Parenting Techniques That Work

1. When the rivalry progresses to excessive physical or verbal violence OR when the number incidents of rivalry seem excessive, take action. (Action does speak louder than words). Talk with your children about what is going on. Provide suggestions on how they can handle the situation when it occurs such as:

• Ignoring the teasing.
• Kidding back in a way that is humorous.
• Simply agreeing (in a kidding way) that whatever the teaser is saying is true.
• Telling the teaser that enough is enough.
• When these measures aren't working ask the person in charge (parent, baby sitter) for help.