|
Page 3 of 3
Dear Elizabeth:
I don't think we're quite done. You are articulate and committed — to your relationship and to knowledge. I admire that.
But it just doesn't quite add up that you would defy your husband's strong feelings to contact Tom for trivial reasons (to get him to acknowledge he did you wrong).
If it is not true that you were drawn to Tom sexually or otherwise, then perhaps the key is in your statement, "despite my determination to prove to this one person that I was worthy of something more than abuse...he will never respect me. It is a hard pill to swallow but I know that I have to do it."
What self-affirmation are you seeking from Tom that you don't have or can't find elsewhere? Would you say you despise Tom? If this is the case, he seems like a very strange person to turn to for self-validation. And why would you want him to admit that he married the wrong person?
Something doesn't compute, Elizabeth. You want something from Tom that he can't give you, and that you can't have that way. If it's not localized in Tom — and really, it never is (that's the key to addiction), then the task is to establish some steps that will get you the feelings you seek in other ways.
Is your husband part of the problem, or do you see in him help in getting what you want? He respects you, right? Is that true? Do you disrespect him for respecting you? No challenge? Your career is obviously also an important component in the solution.
Best, Stanton
Dear Elizabeth:
It's not my goal to make you say "mea culpa." I only want you to be free enough to know yourself and to take actions on behalf of yourself and your husband. There's no reason to drag it out, as long as you can take the steps you need, stand up for your dignity, do things you enjoy, respect yourself, and work towards a satisfying career and family life. A tough recipe, I admit (who succeeds at all these things?) but that's what we want (you and I) for you! Are you ready to begin that process? Write me in six months to tell me how it's going and no more stories about Tom, that dog.
All best,
Stanton
Dear Stanton:
Thanks for your kind reply. I'd like to ask you a couple of questions that are nagging at me and I need an objective answer. Hope that you do not mind.
Whilst in therapy, is it normal to come out of a session with more questions, often the same questions that your went in with, unanswered?
SP: No. You're a consumer, you want certain things. Answers to questions are one good example. On the other hand, people ask me questions for which there are no answers, and if I gave them an answer, it wouldn't work or have any meaning for them.
E: I do have good days but occasionally I will have bad stretches that last 3-4 days where I sleep a lot during the day and am wretched by guilt because I contacted Dan, hurt people etc. How do I stop feeling guilty and give myself a break?
SP: I've kind of indicated this before—you have to have something to do during the day. If I weren't involved in projects, I'd be sleeping and feeling guilty during the day. I'm not saying depression isn't real. But I'm saying that inactivity brings out the worst in all of us.
E: I have a frightfully active imagination where I envision the worse possible things happening because of what I have done. How do I stop this process?
SP: That's harder, except to say that—after a point—realizing that your worst imaginations haven't come true is proof positive this isn't the way the world works. I now think to myself (and I'm as neurotic as anybody) that if I can imagine a bad outcome, this proves it won't occur!
E: Many thanks for your input Stanton,
Regards,
Elizabeth
Four months later
Hi Stanton:
Unusual and very, very painful but recovery is slowly coming around . . . your advice really helped a lot. It gave me a sounding board and some intelligent contact with the outside world when I could barely get up in the morning.
Despite the pain involved, Tom has grown a lot over the year and matured as well away from the immediate graditification of the past and more toward a more considerate/caring person. He is a very open minded person, willing to learn.
Thanks Stanton,
Elizabeth
next: How Useful is the Sex Addict Concept?
|
