This past Tuesday, I was diagnosed by a psychologist as being addicted to an exboyfriend of mine.

The addiction allowed me contact with a negative messager who quashed my dreams/aspirations and generally held me in very low regard.

After reading the selections from "Love and Addiction", it became clear to me that I am addicted to him.

How does one break the addictive behaviour? How can I prevent it from happening again with another person or him again or another substance? I am presently on Paxil 20 mg per day. What help can you suggest?

Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions,

Sincerely,

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth:

I am sorry you learned that someone you loved was harming you.

If I were performing therapy for you, I would need to know more: how old you are; what is paxil and why are you taking it, for how long? How many relationships have you had like this?

The point is, if you are a college student, versus if you are a 40-year old woman with no history of being able to have constructive relationships, the implications are different. To some extent what you have been through may be a learning process, rather than a psychological problem. That differs if you are 40 or 20.

People look at addiction in different ways. Some call it a disease, and prescribe drugs. I see it as a way of living life, and something which needs to be relearned.

If you don't have enough important things to do in life (things you consider important); if you sacrifice all of your life activities whenever you enter a relationship (instead of maintaining interests, friends, activities that are good for you); if you pick lovers who are trying to put you down and control you (instead of finding lovers who enoy you and want to share with you); well, you can see what will happen.

You can also see the things that you need to do to create positive relationships. I commend you for recognizing and thinking about yourself and your relationships. Did you do this only after your boyfriend broke up with you? The important thing is to develop standards of behavior and relationships that are part of your basic perspective, so that you can recognize when you are violating what is good for your own spirit, and to change it.

To go to a therapist, to label your behavior because you are unhappy, to decide your old boyfriend harmed you, and perhaps to take a drug to remedy your misery, is not the way to overcome addiction. But I think the questions you ask indicate that you know that.

As for your other question about becoming addicted to substances -- if you have drunk alcohol and taken drugs without extreme reactions there is no reason to think that you are an addict through and through. Having negative relationships does not PROVE you are an addict, something that will be with you your whole life. By the way, the same issus apply to pharmaceutical drugs, which some people learn to rely on as a way of getting through life.

The thinking you are doing is good. I hope you believe that, and incorporate it into your daily life. Genuinely learning about yourself is a liberating experience that should provide you with joy as well as unhappiness (and more of the former as time proceeds). It does this when you see it as a blueprint or guide to life. Then you know your life will improve, and it is you who makes it thus.

Best wishes,

Stanton