This young man stands for a large group of individuals – those who turn to AA for help, but who are filled with doubt and ambivalence. The AA answer is to “fake it until you make it.” But this can take a tremendous toll on some people. And, of course, it may not be necessary. Particularly among young people, I have observed a large number who outgrow the assumptions of AA – or for whom they never fit. In any case, this young man describes well the inner turmoil and anguish of someone who has been faking it in AA.

Dr. Stanton,

Hi, how are you? I been in AA about a little more then 2 years. I celebrated 2 years and then relapsed recently. The so called relapse was due to surgery I had on my foot, i got hurt dancing (i am a breakdancer) and the medication they gave me was percaset. They told me to take a certain amount but it didnt do that much so I took double the amount a got a little buz from it and it was considered relapsing. That week since i thought i blew it I took the pills cause I was in a pain and had fun and felt good at the same time. My problem wasnt pills or weed or alcohol but basically everything, because I was young and had fun experimenting and didnt know the truth where it could lead me. I am 22 and in college, Syracuse University to be exact. Going out at night with my friends that still drank didnt stop me from having a good time. There were so many times that I knew i would be able just to have a drink but didnt because the people in AA that were born alcoholics told me I cant and i will die. So i felt guilty to do so. And i have been in denial that if i do i will die, and somehow made my story worse then it was. I ended up telling myself I drank worse then I did so i knew 100% that I was an alcoholic when the whole time I knew i wasnt. I did go thru the steps but something was still wrong. I hated on people drinking because I couldnt and knew that could, and a big part of my alcoholism was to impress people, i loved drinking the hardest stuff and as much as I could cause i wanted to impress people, but now i have so many things going on in my life I dont need to impress people anymore. I really wanna try to drink again but feel guilty to the people in the rooms(aa) that I love. Then there are some that i helped get sober. Its just that I want to live a normal life for a 22 year old and this is constantly on the back of my head. Not sure what else I needed to say but thats where I am at. Thank you

M.F.

Published October 22, 2005

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