Marital Communication:

The discovery of a cheating partner is difficult for the spouse to accept. Spouses react to the cheating partner with doubt, jealousy toward the computer, and a fear that the relationship will end because of someone they never met. Furthermore, spouses often become enablers as they rationalize their partners’ behavior as just a "phase" and they go to great lengths to conceal the problem from family and friends. When working directly with the couple, practitioners should assist them in basic communication skills to improve open, effective, and honest communication without blame or anger. Some general guidelines include:

1. Set specific goals – Parameters should be established in terms of the communication goals within the counseling session. To facilitate goal setting for the non-offending spouse, a clinician should pose such questions as, "Do you just need your partner to end the cyberaffair while you still allow an occasional cybsersex dalliance, or do you want all communication with the opposite sex terminated as a solid gesture to begin rebuilding your trust?" "Are you hankering to pull the plug completely on all Internet use, and if so, are you prepared for the likely withdrawal to hit?" and "If you adopt a more modest goal of time moderation, how many hours per week would you aim for - twenty-five or five?" To facilitate goal setting for the cheating spouse, a clinician should pose such questions as, "Have you already, or will you, give up the cyberaffair?" "Are you in a position to give up the computer totally?" or "Have you considered sharing your computer experience together?" These goal-setting questions evaluate a couple’s expectations related to the computer and assess their commitment to rebuild the present relationship..
2. Use non-blaming "I" statements – The therapist should emphasize the use of nonjudgmental language that won't sound critical or blaming. If the spouse states, "You never pay any attention to me because you're always on that damn computer," the receiver will perceive it as an attack and act defensively. As is common practice, the use of "I" statements allows for open communication of feelings in a nonjudgmental manner. Therefore, clinicians should help clients rephrase statements into non-blaming language. For example, the prior statement could be rephrased as, "I feel neglected when you spend long nights on the computer" or "I feel rejected when you say you don't want to make love with me." Practitioners should help clients stay focused on the present experience and avoid the use of negative trigger words such as "always," "never," "should," or "must," that sound inflexible and invite heated rebuttal.
3. Empathetic Listening – Help clients listen fully and respectfully. Many spouses explain that they never sought cyberaffairs but found the process happening too fast for them to see and understand. Underneath, they may be feeling guilty and truly wish to stop. Or, the cyberflings may have stirred up their own resentments about the pain over what's been missing for them in your marriage. If the offending partner tries to explain their motives for the affair, it is important to help the other partner suspend feelings of betrayal or loss of trust and listen to these explanations as openly as possible to maximize communication.
4. Consider other alternatives – If face-to-face communication has been strained between the couple, clinicians should explore alternatives such as letter writing and even email exchanges. Letter writing provides a longer forum to allow thoughts and feelings to flow without interruption from a spouse. Reading a letter in a less charged atmosphere may allow the other person to drop their defensive posture and respond in a more balanced manner. E-mail exchanges not only offer the same freedom of interruptions as letters but also can demonstrate to the offending spouse that his or her partner doesn’t view the Internet itself as entirely evil. The couple may share a laugh at the irony of taking this approach, which could open the door to a more productive face-to-face talk.

Underlying Issues:

Cyberaffairs and cybersexual encounters are typically a symptom of an underlying problem that existed in the marriage before the Internet ever entered the couple’s lives. Pre-existing marital problems include: (a) Poor Communication, (b) Sexual Dissatisfaction, (c) Differences in child-rearing practices, (d) Recent relocation from support from family and friends, and (e) Financial Problems. These are common troubles for any couple. Yet, the presence of such issues will increase the risk of a cyberaffair. When two people are talking over the Internet, the conversation offers unconditional support and comfort. A cyberlover can type an empathetic message when he lives thousands of miles away, but in real-life be rude, aggressive, or insensitive to the people he meets. Yet this electronic bond can offer the fantasy of all the excitement, romance, and passion that may be missing in a current relationship. Instead of dealing with how to confront the issues hurting a marriage, people can use a cyberaffair as an easy escape from the real issues. The cyberaffair becomes a means of coping with unexpressed anger towards a partner as an outside person electronically offers understanding and comfort for hurt feelings. Therefore, it is vital that therapists thoroughly assess and directly deal with possible underlying issues that contributed to the cyberaffair.

Rebuild Marital Trust:

As with any couple struggling in the aftermath of an affair, a major goal of marital therapy is helping the couple to rebuild trust in the relationship. However, special care must be taken to examine how to focus on relationship building after a cyberaffair because of several factors.

1. Computer Use - Cyberaffairs often happen inside the couple’s home and the "cheating" partner’s behavior is centralized around the computer, a tool that may also be used for non-romantic purposes such as for business or home finances. However, each time the offending partner approaches the computer for a legitimate reason, it may trigger feelings of suspicion and jealousy for the spouse. The therapist must help couple evaluate how the computer will be used at home so that they can establish reasonable ground rules such as supervised computer use or moving the computer into a public area of the family home.
2. Psychoeducation - The practitioner should also provide psychoeducational consultation for the couple to help remove the typical rationalizations exhibited by the offending partner and to help the spouse understand the motives leading up to the cyberaffair. The cheating partner may not have purposely gone on the Internet to look for someone else, but the online experience afforded an opportunity to form intimate bonds with fellow on-line users, which quickly escalated to erotic chat and passionate conversations. The cheating partner often rationalizes the behavior as just a fantasy, typed words on a screen, or that cybersex isn’t cheating because of the lack of physical contact. Therapists should be careful not reinforce these rationalizations and focus on ways for the cheating partner to take responsibility for their actions. This is an important element in therapy if the couple is to rebuild honesty and trust in their relationship.
3. Renew Commitment - Finally, the therapist should help the couple evaluate how the cyberaffair has hurt the relationship and help formulate relationship-enhancing goals that will renew commitment and improve intimacy between the couple. To help the couple renew commitment, the therapist must stress forgiveness. Care should also be taken to evaluate the types of activities the couple used to enjoy before the Internet and encourage them to engage in those events once again. Finally, inventions, which focus on a couple’s weekly progress and how couples can use the Internet together for sexual enhancement, should be explored.