Chapter 2: Drunk Feelings were the Only Feelings

Written by APatcher

I graduated high school at age 18 and went to college. When I graduated from school, I also graduated from the sports teams and all the friends I was so accustomed to. Isolation got very bad.

That year I started dating a girl. I drank with her from the beginning and found that I could do anything she or I wanted to do sexually if I was under the influence. I didn't even like her much, but the sex made me feel grown up and masculine. These were new feelings that I was searching for.

I found that in college, homework was not assigned every night and classes met only two or three times per week. It was possible to pull all-night study sessions before exams. I did not get involved in any college sports or activities. Drinking started to occur during the week days. Getting served alcohol was easier now also. I found a place in nearby New Jersey that did not ID card people. It wasn't that far away from the conservative liquor control state of Pennsylvania. And after all, even if it was a long trip, I was willing to go to any length.

My anxiety got worse at this time. I constantly felt anxious apartness. I had no male friends to play sports or identify with. Guys in college all seemed to be busy with their own life. The school I went to was about 75% female and it seemed that none of them wanted to associate with me either. I became nervous when I was not drinking. I drank more to feel calm. Little did I know that booze was causing a great deal of my anxiety. I felt very uncomfortable on the day after a heavy load. Feeling this "uneasiness" around others caused me to drink again the next day.

I felt like I was on the outside looking in for a good part of my life. The lack of enough alcohol and drugs made that feeling worse. I tried to drink more to make me feel good again only to have the problems seem much worse the next day.

I crashed my car into a telephone pole on one of my many reckless drunken driving sprees. This was my first real trouble with alcohol. I was lucky the police did not or could not charge me due to technicalities. Although I broke my right hand, I was sure to drink again within a few days. I needed alcohol to feel what I was thinking. I drank to feel happy, to feel sad, to feel depressed, and to feel angry. Alcohol had become my emotions.

next: Chapter 3: Alcohol Conquers the Mind
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