Behaviors that Hurt and the Loads to be Carried - Hidden Anger of the Addict

Written by Clinton Clark

More specifically, sarcasm is hidden anger or resentment "coming out sideways." Coming out "sideways" means to be hidden, unclear in origin, or unclear in intent. The child hears words that the addict parent is saying but experiences a massage other than the words were intended to communicate. The following examples compare a sarcastic statement (sarcasm) and its mixed message, with a clear statement (non-sarcastic) and its non-mixed message. From addict-parent to object-child:

Clear: "Thank-you."

Message received by the child: "I sincerely appreciate what you've done for me."

Sarcasm: "Thank-you . . . ."

Message received by the child: "What a jerk you are. You've just victimized me."

Clear: "You're welcome."

Message received by the child: "Thanks for acknowledging my action."

Sarcasm: "You're welcome . . . ."

Message received by the child: "What a jerk you are. You've just victimized me."

Clear: "Yea I really like that."

Message received by the child: "I really enjoy that"

Sarcasm: "Yea I really like that . . . ."

Message received by the child: "What a jerk you are. You've just victimized me. How stupid can you be?"

Clear: "Sure."

Message received by the child: "Yes."

Sarcasm: "Sure . . . ."

Message received by the child: "No or I hate it. What a jerk you are. You've just victimized me. Don't you have any brains?"

Clear: "Thanks for sharing."

Message received by the child: "Thank-you for your information. I've appreciated what you've done. I've enjoyed getting to know you.

Sarcasm: "Thanks for sharing . . . ."

Message received by the child: "I do not appreciate what you've said or done. What a jerk you are. You've just victimized me."

Sarcasm is an attack of hidden nature. The addict parent's inference is that the child has victimized them in some way. The "some way" is hidden and not revealed. The child is left injured and without cause or explanation. They only know that they feel bad for some unknown reason.

Dirty looks are facial expressions that discount, ignore, minimize, or (as with sarcasm) disapprove of what the child is saying or doing. Dirty looks are types of sarcasm reduced even further in clarity. Instead of unclear or sarcastic word messages, the addict parent uses unclear facial expressions.

Disapproval, dirty looks, sarcasm, and teasing are all discounting and minimizing techniques used by the addict to alter their (the addict's) feelings about what they are hearing from the child by attempting to alter the child's reality about what they are feeling.

Disapproval, dirty looks, sarcasm, and teasing are types of attacks. When Janet Geringer Woititz refers to guessing at what normal is, for children of alcoholics (addict parents), I believe that to include the inability to distinguish an attack from a non-attack. As objects of addiction, these children have psychologically trained their feelings to become unavailable to them as a way to cope with repeated attacks or the threat of attack. As a result of this, their feelings have become so unavailable to them that they subsequently become emotionally and cognitively unaware of an attack at the time it occurs (4).

This phenomena is also described by Whitfield (1989) and Cermak (1986) as "psychic numbing." Children raised as objects of addiction are under attack or the threat of attack throughout the duration of their childhood and sometimes beyond. They are like combat soldiers waiting for an attack to occur. Cermak (1986) writes that during periods of extreme stress, such as an attack or the waiting for an attack to occur (the threat of death, injury, and the feeling of being unable to flee), "combat soldiers are often called upon to act regardless of how they are feeling. Their survival depends upon their ability to suspend feelings in favor of taking steps to ensure their safety." This is a characteristic of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. In the case of children trained to be objects of addiction, you might say that they were forced into fighting a war without weapons to protect themselves and they were unable to see the enemy. This is one of the reasons why so many children of dysfunctional families withdraw into isolation. It's the last resort in fighting an unseen enemy and fighting an enemy without a weapon of defense. You might say that this guide is an exposure of the enemy by exposing the attack methods i.e. the destructive control behaviors that hurt.