Behaviors that Hurt and the Loads to be Carried - Addicts Distancing Behavior

Written by Clinton Clark

Addicts also distance themselves from the listener by using the word "You" in place of the word "I." Addicts express their opinions, feelings, beliefs, or experiences by using the word "You " in place of the word "I." This creates confusion in the conversation and places distance between themselves and the listener. A child growing up with an addict parent who uses this kind of conversation style experiences the interaction as being confusing, attacking, and lonely (emotionally abandoned and neglected).

When expressing themselves with this kind of "You" vs. "I" distancing behavior they project responsibility for their feelings onto the listener and at the same time create distance between themselves and the listener. The following is an example list of "You" statements verses "I" statements.

• You: "You know when you feel mad how you . . . . . . . ."
• I: "I know when I feel mad how I . . . . . . . ."

• You: "You'd think you'd be able to figure it out or at least . . . . . . ."
• I: "I'd have thought I'd have been able to figure it out or at least . ."

• You: "Yesterday I got caught in traffic and you know how you get ."
• I: "Yesterday I got caught in traffic and I know when I get . . ."

• You: "You know everybody, you'd think would have . . . ."
• I: "I would have thought everyone would have . . . ."

"Gathering armies" is another way addict parents create distance and at the same time create artificial power. As a way to distance themselves, inflate themselves, and artificially gather support for an opinion or feeling they are having, they use phrases and words which lead the listener to believe that more than one (more than the addict alone) is in support of an opinion or feeling they are expressing. Examples:

All of these statements create artificial power and replace the addict's responsibility for their opinions or feelings alone, with the combined responsibility of other people. It's rare that a non-recovering addict would take responsibility for an opinion or feeling alone, especially if that opinion or feeling has the potential to create conflict. The avoidance of taking responsibility alone is also referred to as blaming. By artificially inflating themselves, they believe that they are actively reducing their risk of conflict. Conflicts create feeling; which create intimacy. Feelings and intimacy "go hand in hand" and addict parents are unable to cope with strong feelings or intimacy. As stated before, they lack the coping skills and the knowledge to do so.

Disapproval, dirty looks, and sarcasm (as discounting)

Disapproval, dirty looks, and sarcasm are all types of destructive control behaviors that the addict parent uses to keep their objects of addiction easy to use. All of these destructive control behaviors are abusive. All of these behaviors are used as a way to "discount" i.e. to belittle, minimize, ignore, or emotionally abandon the child. Discounting may be subtle or dramatic. As an example say that the child shares something painful (emotionally or physically) about him or herself with the addict parent. Do to the addict's dependency nature in the relationship, he or she will in turn begin to "feel bad" about what they are hearing from the child. Since addict parents are without coping skills for feeling bad, they react or lash out in order to avoid hearing anything that they feel might cause them to "feel bad." As a way to destructively disconnect from the pain they are experiencing (feeling bad), they will try to control the information they are hearing by discounting it. "It" being the child's pain which in effect discounts the child's sense of worthiness to have pain.