Behaviors that Hurt and the Loads to be Carried - Addiction and Dependency

Written by Clinton Clark

Page 7 of 15

"I consider empathy and dependency to be very confusing issues for Americans today. I also consider love and pity to be equally as confused. A common phrase heard in recovery these days is: Where are all the healthy people, why are they so hard to find? This leads me to believe that the is an immense amount of dysfunctional behavior being displayed by a lot of people. This is not meant as an attack; It's only an observation for consideration."

Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a destructive control behavior designed to keep from "feeling bad" about mistakes. Addict parents, and eventually their children as objects of addiction, believe that mistakes are invitations for disapproval and abuse. Disapproval and abuse are equated to not having "good feelings." And not having "good feelings" is equated to terror. It's the terror that precedes and impulsively propels the perfectionism. Thoughts of imperfection (or mistakes) create an immediate response of terror and the corresponding need to control. An addict parent will perceive things to be "out of control" when they aren't perfect, on time, exactly right, exactly known for sure, etc. They also believe that it is possible to avoid disapproval, rejection, conflict, and abuse, by being perfect and avoiding mistakes; or intensively striving to know the outcome for sure.

The children of addict parents, as objects of addiction, are required to be perfect. Referring back to the analogy of the bottle of booze, a bottle of booze is unable to make mistakes which would cause this previously discussed impulsive response to terror in an addict parent. Booze just sits there . . . in silence . . . . , until it is used. Addict parents expect the same kind of usage and flawless-invisible behavior from their children. Perfectionism adds a third load to the children of addicts; the load of being flawless and invisible. The load list for children of addict parents now includes the following:

The load of feeling responsible for the feelings of their addict parent(s).
The load of their own unresolved grief and repressed pain (coping with pain alone).
The load of having to be perfect (or invisible).

Because of the denial of terror which addict parents have in conjunction with making mistakes, they do not have compassion for mistakes. Incidentally, compassion gives children permission to learn how to learn from mistakes, instead of being abused or controlled by the resulting fear of making mistakes.

Perfectionism also requires that a person be without limitations. A limitless person is able to survive by doing anything and everything perfectly; and with the least amount of assistance from the addict parent. As with mistakes, addict parents lack compassion for limitations. A person (child or adult) with limits is seen as defective, weak, being needy, and that being the case, susceptible to death or abuse. A child with limitations is considered to be an aggravation and a burden. An addict parent sees a child with age appropriate limitations as something that they'll have to make adjustments or accommodations for; which causes hostile resentments within the addict parent due to their own deprivation of needs as an infant, child, adolescent, or adult. (Whitfield 1989). They are so in need that they insist on having their needs met immediately by the child, adolescents, or other adults in their environment regardless of any age, intelligence, physical, sexual, or emotional limitation. In this alone they (addict parents) are an immense boundary-less terror for children and adolescents to be around.

The following is a list of perfectionistic messages that the addict parent may use to instil perfectionism and promote limitlessness in their child as an object of addiction.

(said from an angry victimstance)