A Place to Start Healing - Addictions and Gossip

Written by Clinton Clark

Another way people compete in conversation is by playing the "Ain't it Awful" game. It is a conversation style that competes for gloominess. The object of the game is to expel as many stories about gloom as possible. And the winner controls the attention of the other players. The game creates a sense of depressing weight or chaos in the room.

Gossip is a form of playing the "Ain't awful game" where the speaker relates a story that does not pertain to themselves, i.e. "Did you hear about so-and-so . . . . ?" or "Isn't awful about what happened to . . . . .?"

When I'm driving I create chaos for myself by compulsively competing for position; either with another car, or for a relative position at the stop light. I do the same thing in a line at the store or at the movie. In some cases I compete as a reaction to feeling impatient or insufficient. When I feel helpless (feel trapped) I feel myself becoming impatient (angry and scared). At these times my compulsion is most noticeable, i.e. long lines, credit checks, cashing a check, taking a test, going to an unfamiliar place, heavy traffic, being in a crowded room of unfamiliar people. The feeling to compulsively compete is not competing in a way that's healthy for myself. What I need to consider is that creating chaos, within the context of competition, may have become so impulsive that it feels comfortable to do. Achieving an old sense of chaotic normalcy may be a reason why I create chaos in order to terrorize myself.

Listen in a way that allows me to take "a vacation" from what is being said

When I listen I notice that sometimes I listen as if I am receiving instructions on how to:

Keep the World from Ending Tomorrow

It keeps me in my terror to listen that intensely. When I find myself listening that intently, I try to go on vacation intermittently throughout the conversation. If someone is talking as a way to "expel" something that is bothering them, I need only be present physically. "Expel" is a way to release stress covered in section II. If the conversation is by phone I need only to be quiet. Allowing myself to become so involved in what is being said that I lose a sense of myself in the conversation is not healthy for me.

It is not necessary for me to react to what is being said. I may listen, nod, make sounds that acknowledge I'm listening, without becoming reactive to every word. Occasionally I might ask a question, knowing ahead of time that I needn't solve anything. It's not my job to look for another person's solutions when they are speaking aloud to clear their thought processes. Not only that, but it insults the speaker's own intuitive abilities to solve their problems from within themselves.

Some of the things I do on vacation is:

• Silently play or hum a melody in my head.
• Think of something separate from the conversation.
• Sketch or doodle on paper.
• Focus on something on the wall.
• Focus on their eyebrows.
• Say something to myself like, "It's neat that they chose me to talk to."

What ever I do it would serve to separate myself from the conversation if I feel myself being intense about listening. It's an old childhood defense mechanism to listen intensely.

Another way to vacation from what is being said is by not analyzing, not interpreting, not solving, or not taking an inventory. When words feel loaded or weighted down with hidden agenda's, I may refuse to accept the information except at face value (or face word value). That means to accept the words they say as what they mean without reading between the lines. Reading between the lines invites chaos. I am not responsible for doing the extra work of interpreting for someone else. If they need a professional interpreter, let them hire someone else. I don't need the chaos.

The following (4) listening situations are places for me to practice going on vacation even more than in other situations. When I am in these situations I'll notice the weight in the room (there will be a heaviness in the air). I'll feel weighted down. I'll feel compelled to try distance myself, fight, or run away. I'll notice myself thinking of trying to use destructive control behaviors or becoming compulsive.

Situation 1 The Victim

The conversation will feel like the speaker has been victimized by another person's behavior or a situation. They will be venting anger, frustrations, and hidden resentments. They will be soliciting any help they can get, usually in a very chaotic or hidden way, as a way to gather support for their victimization. They won't be sharing feelings directly about "how helpless they feel" in regards to not being able to change something or someone. They will share indirectly as a way to distance themselves from the listener and project their victimization onto someone else (including the listener). They will talk and complain about things like:

• How come the other person (the one the speaker is complaining about), is doing what they are doing.
• How come the other person (the one the speaker is complaining about), isn't doing what the speaker thinks they should be doing.
• How come the other person won't change.
• How come the other person is so inadequate.
• How come they (the speaker in this case), are the only one in the world that feels like this and why can't anybody see that.
• How come the job is, the boss is, the wife, the husband, the friend, the service, etc. is so inadequate.