As an infant, I was unable to set boundaries except in my own way (as an infant, crying, spitting up, etc). As an infant, I wasn't aware of how to set boundaries in an adult way. As an adult, I am able to set boundaries (in that adult way), that I had to originally given up to someone, who I thought knew how to do that. I was wrong. I can choose to learn something new about setting boundaries in a healthier way.

To protect all that I am (the discovery of myself), I can choose to set boundaries that protect me. Boundaries are clear and quick. Clarity is important. Over explaining is control for approval's sake. I can choose not to control by "over" explaining.

Examples of Boundaries with Anger

• "That Hurts! . . . , don't do that!" (and continue until it is acknowledged or walk away).*
  
• "That pisses me off! . . . , don't do that!" *
• "No!" *
• "Stop! _____________ you're pissing me off!" *
• "Stop! _____________ now!" *
• "Quit! _____________ now!" *
• "Don't call me that!" (in response to a name, a label, etc.) *
• "Don't touch me!"* "Don't! _____________ Don't do that!" *

* Remove the control (the victim or victimstance) and the fear from the anger in the presentation (your voice and body language).

NOTE: The use of threat or destructive bargaining i.e. "You'd better not, or else . . . . . ," or "If you do this, I'm gonna have so and so . . . . ," is a part of coercion and not a part of anger. Because, it denotes control which is a part of rage. Rage is anger with control and/ or abuse.

Examples of Boundaries without Anger

• "I prefer _____________ "(and continue until it is acknowledged or walk away). * *
• "No. . . , I don't like that." *
• "No. . . , I don't need that." *
• "No. . . , I'd prefer not to, but thanks for asking." * "I need you to quit what you're doing. . . ., It's pissing me off." *

* Remove the control (the victim or victimstance) and the fear from the anger in the presentation (your voice and body language).

Special Considerations

"Taking my inventory is a boundary violation."

Note: To someone taking my inventory,

"You're not allowed to discuss my behavior with me or discuss my behavior with someone else in my presence. If there is something about your own behavior that you wish to talk about, I'll listen; but I won't listen to you talk about me."t;

And if they continue . . . .

I say, "Don't!" - or - "Excuse me, what is your question?" ; * (what is it that you would like to know about me that you presume to know)

* To divert the invasion and allow them to take responsibility for (own) their own perceptions in the form of answering a question verses an attack.

Performance appraisals, credit checks, scholastic grading, personality tests or profiles, and intake interviews may all be distorted into a dehumanizing type of inventory taking. If someone needs to know something about me, they may choose to ask me and not presume. "Presumption" is a block to communication. The difference between inventory taking and non-inventory taking is the difference between an attack and a question. Forced presumptions and forced helping are both boundary violations. The key word is "forced;" the use of force. Forced listening (being forced to listen) is also a boundary violation. If I'm forced to be present in an attack of me, I can choose not to listen.

Examples of Last resort Boundaries
(With or without anger as needed)

• "I need you to go now!" (and continue until it is acknowledged or walk away). *
• "I need you to go. I need time to myself." *
• "I need to go." *
• "Excuse me." (And walk away).
• Physically leave the room.
• Physically leave the conversation.
• "I don't want (see examples below) "

Examples:

• To have a relationship with you (and continue until it is acknowledged or walk away). *
• To do this *
• A drink *
• To eat this *
• Any *
• Talk about this *

* Remove the control (the victim or victimstance) and the fear from the anger in the presentation (your voice and body language).