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When I first got into recovery, I felt I needed to talk as if the audience (the listeners) were of a bigger consideration than myself. Now I realize that if I talk with an audience in mind, I create my own double bind which blocks the expulsion.
The best possible listener for me when I'm expelling something, is one that says nothing, does nothing, and has the intuition to tell when I'm done before offering anything, including comfort.
Journaling to expel
My journal is a paper notebook with lots of paper to write on. Some people use computers with a writing program that locks. The journaling is done into the computer and then the file is locked between uses. A password is required to unlock the journal file. Whichever format of journal is used (notebook, computer, scratch pad, etc) there are some considerations that I think are important.
- Safety from prying eyes. My journal is my place to be totally honest with myself. My journal is private. I don't wish to share my journal with anyone. My journal is my safe listening environment to say what I need to say without fear of being abused (judged or injured) as a result of expressing myself.
- Learning to swear. My journal is a place for me to learn how to use the strongest words I'm able to think of in order to expel the feelings I need to expel to stay clear and healthy. My journal is a place for me to practice anger, fear, and hurt. My journal is a place for me to practice having feelings and make connections.
- Free from format. My journal is a place where spelling and grammar are out of the picture. I scribble. I scribble big. I scribble long. I write tall, short, bold, angry, hurt, frustrated, or any other style I choose. The act of scribbling and writing becomes the expulsion. I am not concerned if it's readable or not. I use what ever amount of space and time I need to expel in my journal.
- Go as slow as need to, to feel safe. Having my feelings, opinions, complaints, thoughts, etc. has been associated with abuse in the past. My natural survival instincts will keep me safe when I expel. I allow my self instincts to guide me. I'll be patient with the amount of feelings I need to express (expel).
Playing the piano to expel
Playing the piano was one of the few acceptable ways that I could express myself when I was growing up. Not only did I express myself (expulsion) but I got a lot of approval for doing it. Expressing myself (expulsion) was allowed, however it had to be within the rigid context of playing the piano. I played the piano to express .i.anxiety;. I played the piano to express anger. I played the piano to express loneliness. I needed a place to be feel somewhat safe to expel what I needed to expel and the piano was there.
Singing is another way I expel to relieve cycles of stress. I go into the shower and sing "scat." Scat is a non discernable language of singing do's, de's, da's, bah's, ah's, vowels, partial words, made up words, etc. The are no rules to singing scat. Any sound is acceptable.
Whistling is another way to expel. Whistling helps me relive a stress cycle by letting myself expel air. Deep breathing is a side benefit of whistling and singing. Helping myself relax a stress cycle by deep breathing is a way to keep myself healthy. Singing, scatting, whistling, and .i.playing instruments; (that require air to operate), go hand and hand with expulsion and deep breathing. Spitting, biting, and chewing are also a types of expulsion.
Instruments in general, are great ways to expel and get to know myself. I get angry on the drums, mellow on the guitar, and crazy on the piano. And the less I concentrate on who's listening (being other-oriented), the less the double bind will be. As with all forms of expulsion, listening safety in my environment is important (when I expel by singing, playing, whistling, etc). Expulsion in shear terror isn't necessary. And playing or singing to perform is different than playing or singing to expel. When I play or sing to perform, I'm playing as a way to gain acceptance (approval seeking). When I'm playing for approval, my .i.anxiety; level (chaos and terror), goes up in intensity. When I play or sing as a way to expel, my anxiety is going down. I can choose the environments I feel safest in. I can choose to expel or not to expel. I can choose to perform or not to perform.
Note: Little kids expel naturally on instruments. They bang, bounce, dance, and doodle on instruments without care or concern for the audience. I try to remember this when I expel. I try not to expel on anything I'm going to get frustrated with and block the expulsion (create newer stress cycles). It should be as uninhibited as possible. I learn a lot about expulsion from little kids.
Because of the "control as competition" behavior in my family, jealousy and resentments were common. I don't need to expel or perform (as an adult) in an environment that I conclude is hostile (where jealousy, resentment, and disapproval are present).
Drawing to expel
Drawing is the first place I made the connections of how my family was interrelated and the roles of each family member. I used colored crayons and big sheets of white newsprint paper. Drawing is a way to practice expulsion in a safe-accepting environment. As with journaling, there are no rules. I place my hand on the sheet of paper and let it go where it wants to go. I change hands. I change color. I allow myself to freely expel as I need to, without concern for the end result. I am not performing. I am not creating works of art for approval. I'm drawing for myself. I draw me, family, shapes, lines, and anything I need to, to feel like expulsion is taking place.
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