Children who grew up as objects (of an addiction) lack an identity. They were desensitized, through the use of destructive control behaviors, to their own awareness and needs as a child; and in order to survive, became highly skilled at being aware of their addict parent's needs. As a result of this conditioning, they became un-aware of themselves or lacking in an identity.

"Having my feelings is a way I discover who I am."

I find out the most about me when I expel angry and resentful feelings. I recover what's been lost behind all my feelings of anger, terror, loneliness, and inadequateness. I find myself saying things in anger or rage that I didn't know I knew.

"We don't talk about our feelings, (like it's a secret). Any secret not talked about must be bad."

"Historically, having feelings has been considered to be a personal matter and not to be discussed." Actually this is a myth. Until the discovery of psychology and other sciences of human behavior, feelings were expressed in the majority of many forms such as behavior, custom, art (visual representation), poems (metaphors), songs (metaphors), operas and plays (a combination of song, play, and metaphor), and other lengthy explanations of feeling. "Naming" a feeling has been socialized into these many forms of expression (naming is the discovery of and verbalizing of a particular feeling or combination of feelings). Considering these lengthy expressions, originally developed by our human culture to explain feelings, feelings continue to be complex to sort out and to define; as evidenced by the continued popularity of art, action, custom, opera, song, poem, play, etc. The point is that having feelings is complex. It's complex and will continue to be complex. The first person to express him or herself in the form of art, dance, song, poem, custom, etc. understood the dilemma of trying to explain a feeling. My feelings aren't bad. They're complex. It's complicated to know how one is feeling. Feeling comfortable with the knowledge of this information allows me to be nurturing to myself and the discovering of my feelings, by reducing the expectation of having to know (understand or name ) how I feel. Being raised as an object of addiction only added complexity to complexity.

There are many options for expulsion. New ideas are being developed and refined every day. Some of the options (forms) I use to expel are:

• Talking
• Journaling
• Playing the piano (musical instruments)
• Drawing
• Painting
• Sculpting
• Dreaming
• Dancing
• Meditation (creative imagery)
• Body Work
• Writing
• Laughing

A safe environment is key-mount to recovery. The most important quality that I look for in a safe environment, when I need to expel, is acceptance. When I expel in an environment that is free of criticism, judging, discounting, disapproval, etc., I know that I am reducing the chances of creating any new stress cycles for myself and increasing the chances of nurturing myself through the healing comfort of others.

People in recovery understand the need to expel. Cycles of stress resolve themselves when the "double binds" created in the lull stage and the "expulsion inhibitors" are eliminated. People who are not in recovery may not understand the need to expel. This is why I RECOMMEND TESTING THE WATERS BEFORE I EXPEL. Expulsion is how I keep myself healthy. Recovery groups, counselors, therapists, and other trained listeners should all be safe resources to help with the expulsion I need and the resolution of my stress cycles unless, after testing the waters, I find that they are adding to the stress cycle (unsafe, non-nurturing).

Talking to expel

One day at school I noticed as I was listening to a fellow student that they were talking with an intense purpose in mind. Whether they realized it or not, they were expelling in order to resolve a stress cycle. Until that time I had assumed that talking was talking. I know now that talking has many different functions.

People talk to share information. People talk to laugh (sometimes as a form of expulsion to resolve stress cycles). People talk to create distance (Choose to see Control Behaviors that Hurt, Section I). People talk to reduce the stress cycle of loneliness. People talk to create chaos. People talk to control and dominate. And, people talk to expel.

When I talk to expel, I'm talking in order to resolve a stress cycle. The choice of words I use as I expel are important. However, the expulsion isn't required to be grammatically correct (i.e. I'm not talking to be judged). Freedom of or free flowing speech is an important prescription for expulsion in the form of talking.