In my explanations, I can choose to start from a non-victim standpoint. This way my explanations don't become attacks on the person requesting the information (for themselves to meet their needs). And I don't need to meet the needs of someone else by explaining, if I choose not to. Explanations are choices. Not requirements.

Be Prepared: A Word About Fear

I find that I'm usually "preparing" for something. A friend of mine said that "fear prepares us" for something that we think we need to do. Considering the amount of fear I keep living in, I find myself wondering "What is it that I'm preparing for?" In addition, "What circumstances have I created to keep myself in a preparatory state?" I'd really like to look at what's going on with me and a need I have to create fear. Most of my fears are reenactments of terror. I find myself creating or recreating the worst in my head, and then based on an assumption, prepare for the assumption of that outcome. I've quit giving freedom of choice to myself when I'm "preparing." In addition, I'm less prepared for the real outcome when it finally arrives.

My worst fears are of dying without a way to prevent it, being locked away in a place with no one willing to help me get out, feeling shamed for being myself, being forced to be an object of addiction, and feeling that I'll be rejected for having had done what I thought to be my best at the time (not feeling "good enough" to have myself or my work accepted as is).

I'm sure not all of these things exist as much as I think they exist. They might occur and they might not. Not knowing "for sure" is something I do to keep preparing. And, if the event occurs, is it true that I'd be better prepared if I prepared something to do ahead of time? I'm not sure. I don't think I'll be as prepared if I pre-prepare. When is the last time that something I've done turned out to be exactly as I prepared for it?

Keeps 'Em Coming Back for More

As stated earlier, one of the biggest fears I deal with is keeping an addict from being addicted to me (using me as an object of addiction to feel better). It's terrible to be an object of addiction. It's exactly horrible and I hate the feeling. Yet I find myself doing some things that might contribute to the "object of use" scenario to keep an addict coming back or remain addicted to me. Below is a list of contributions that I call my "Keeps 'Em Coming Back for More" List.

Keeps 'Em Coming Back for More List

• Taking an addicts inventory and then exposing it to them.
• Having sex with an addict that I'm not going to have a relationship with (as an uninformed condition).
• Attacking or refuting an addict's belief system.
• Ending a relationship with an addict, then leaving a window open or a door slightly ajar (leading them into creating false hope that the relationship is going to continue as is).
• Being vague in asking for my needs to be met.
• Being vague in a boundary that I'm trying to set.
• Doing the "victim thing" (to maneuver an addict into meeting a need I have by using shame, terror, or their need to rescue in order to not be abandoned).

A final word on acceptance

"They model what they think they need to do to survive"

Like a flock of birds, human beings model what they think will allow them to survive.

As a part of the process to meet an instinctual need a social organism (including human beings) will function in a respondent way to amass a group to survive, i.e. a family, a group, a click, a work place, a place to exercise, a place to recover, a place to worship, a neighborhood, a co-op, a relationship, a town, a government, a commune, a courtship, etc.

Birds are "social" creatures. Social creatures depend on each other for survival. They learn survival skills by observing the other members in their group. Birds flock together as a group. When one member in the group perceives injury or threat, it responds by behaving in a way that will allow it to survive. Other members in the group observe that .i.survival behavior; and respond by modeling the same behavior. If one bird flies away, at the threat of danger, they all fly away. They model what they think they need to do to survive.

Human Beings are social creatures. They depend on each other for survival. They learn their survival skills by observing the other members in their group. Human beings flock together as families. When one member of the family perceives threat or injury, they respond by behaving in a way that will allow them to survive. Other members in the family observe that survival behavior and respond by modeling that same behavior.

Children learn their survival skills from their parents. They model what they see their parents do in order to survive. I've grown up modeling the survival behaviors which were modeled for me. I model my dad's behavior. He is male, like me, and males survive by modeling the behaviors they've observed their fathers doing. Females survive by modeling the behaviors they've observed their mothers doing.ng.

Social creatures model the behaviors they think they need to do in order to survive. I know that regardless of the feelings I have about someone else's behavior, they are doing (modeling) what they think they need to do to survive. I accept that other people are doing what they think they need to do in order to survive. I also accept that I think I do what I need to do in order to survive. My survival instincts will allow me to survive and be safe; and other people's survival instincts allow them to survive and be safe.

"They model what they think they need to do to survive"

"The hurtful behaviors that people model are unrelated to me."

next: Epilogue