"It often helps them (the children) see for the first time how their behavior was dictated more by the family's needs than by their own inherent personality. This is the real violence" (Cermak 30).

"I am convinced of the harmful effects of training for the following reason: all advice that pertains to raising children betrays more or less clearly the numerous, variously clothed needs of the adult. Fulfillment of these needs not only discourages the child's development but actually prevents it. This also holds true when the adult is honestly convinced of acting in the child's best interests.

Among the adult's true motives we find:

1. The need to find an outlet for repressed affect
2. The need to possess and have at one's disposal a vital object to manipulate
3. Fear of the reappearance of what one has repressed, which one reencounters in one's child and must try to stamp out, having killed it in oneself earlier." (Miller 97).

In Addition...
The Watch What I Say List

Watch out when saying _________ . Abuse may occur when:

Saying . . . .

• "No" (recognizing a limit or boundary that's healthy).
• "That hurt's, don't do that!" (recognizing a boundary that's healthy).
• "I'm scared" (expelling pain, fear, recognizing a boundary).
• "I'm bored"
• "I'm sick" (recognizing a limit; that's healthy and expelling pain).
• "I'm injured." (recognizing a limit that's healthy and expelling pain).
• "I'm tired." (recognizing a limit that's healthy).
• "I'm not strong enough." (recognizing a limit that's healthy).
• "I'm not big enough." (recognizing a limit that's healthy).
• "I'm not old enough." (recognizing a limit that's healthy).
• "I'm not tall enough." (recognizing a limit that's healthy).
• "I'm angry." (expelling pain).
• "I don't know." (recognizing a limit that's healthy).
• "I don't understand." (recognizing a limit that's healthy).
• "I'm sad." (expelling pain).
• "I'm frustrated" (recognizing a limit that's healthy and expelling pain).
• Child's version:"I can't do this, it's too hard"
• "I'm ashamed." (expelling pain).
• Child's version: "I feel bad, icky, etc."
• "I'm lonely." (expelling pain).
• Child's version: "I can't find anyone to play."
• "I'm upset." (expelling pain).
• "I don't like this." (learning to choose).
• "I don't like you." (learning to choose).
• "They hurt me." (learning to choose).
• "I don't like them." (learning to choose).
• "They don't like me." (expelling pain).
• "They're teasing me." (expelling pain).
• "They're calling me names." (hurts me, expelling pain).

"Watching out" in each situation above, has one thing in common:

The parent's need of:

• Not hearing emotional pain
• Denying age appropriate limits (the object of addiction becomes "not easy to use")
• Avoiding conflict in order not to re-experience the "terrorhood" of their own childhood abuse
• Using a child in an addictive or drug-like way to not feel bad

The list would exclude any act which constitutes setting safe boundaries for a child's physical and emotional safety.

next: The Terror