The journey of expulsion includes grief work, self discovery, self definition, the building of an inner authority, the destruction of myths, and the awareness of new skills for living. Double binds are part of the self discovery (the discovery of "self"). The "self" is who I am. I am my likes, my dislikes, my feelings, my wishes, my thoughts, my opinions, etc., and my double binds. I believe there are two major double binds experienced by children who grew up as objects of an addiction.

The First Double Bind

"Is it ok to say what I think I need to say in order to take care of myself?"

-Double bind restated-

"I need to say (I need expel to resolve a stress cycle)"

vs

"Is it ok?"

i.e.

Will I be abused if I try to resolve a stress cycle?

I need to avoid injury and abuse to survive

I don't want to create an additional stress cycle

The Second Double Bind

"Is it ok to do what I think I need to do (including mistakes) in order to take care of myself?"

-Double bind restated-

"I need to do what I think I need to do in order to take care of myself (I need to resolve a stress cycle)"

vs

"Is it ok?"

i.e.

Will I be abused if I try to resolve a stress cycle?

I need to avoid injury and abuse to survive

I don't want to create an additional stress cycle

Note: "I remember being so severely effected by these double binds at one time that I was unable to say or do anything."

These double binds develop as the result of being trained as an object of addiction. Children who are trained to be objects of an addiction receive the following message from their addict parents (from addict to child):

I'm not OK, when . . . . You're not

Addicts reinforce this message to the child by using the "destructive control behaviors" discussed in Section I, Behaviors that Hurt. As a result of this programing, the child's development includes the two major double binds listed above.

I still feel the terror about having to "watch out!" for what I say and "watch out!" for what I do. That's the short version of these two double binds (having to watch what I say and watch what I do). It's now known that panic and anxiety disorders in men are directly related to over protective mothers in conjunction with distant or absent fathers.