Destructive Control Behaviors

• Violence and Rage
• Coercion (the threat of violence, death, and rage)
• Doomsayer
• Playing the victim
• Shaming and abusive language
• Neglect and abandonment
• Talking to keep distance
• Disapproval, dirty looks, and sarcasm (as discounting)
• Perfectionism
• Control as competition
• Approval seeking or fishing for acceptance
• False caring
• Offering unauthentic approval for some gain
• Gifts or money offered for some gain
• Offering anything for gain (of some hidden goal)
• When helping isn't helping
• Excessive probing or lack of privacy
• Projection

It's important to acknowledge that all destructive control behaviors attack self esteem and cause a decay or an erosion of self worth. In understanding this, a person may begin to develop new thought patterns as a skill to protect self worth (in themselves and in other people). The use of destructive control behaviors is so prevalent in our current society that the recognition of them may be invaluable even if you were not raised in an addictive relationship with a parent. The behaviors will become easy to spot when they are understood and therefore become easier to detach from. Television and movie dramas may offer many opportunities to practice observing different destructive control behaviors; especially the use of playing the victim, doomsayer, inventory taking (excessive probing or lack of privacy), and projection. Using the list here, compare the behaviors modeled by the actors with the corresponding behavior described in this guide. Remember, that we are not judging the actors or their performances. We are only interested in practice observations as a way to learn the art of detachment.

next: Behaviors that Hurt and the Loads to be Carried