How ever the response is designed it will alter, add, or change the information that the addict is hearing in order for it to be more acceptable. This is one of the many reasons children of addict parents begin to believe they are unacceptable. Their action and their speech appears to always be under scrutiny or correction.

By controlling a conversation the addict parent censors what they hear in order not to feel bad. The result, when speaking with a child, is the censuring (abandonment) of the child. There is a lack of support or affirmation for the child's belief system. Additionally, the child is expected to acknowledge or affirm the addict's belief system.

Leading in to a facet of the next control behavior, children of addict parents are unable to compete in a healthy way in controlled conversations such as described earlier. It's impossible to do without "straining beyond" their age appropriate limitations. Straining to be heard is a part of the "required to be without limitations" behavior described earlier. They (the children) are unable to be comfortable being themselves and still get their listening needs met. At family get-togethers, in dysfunctional families, children and adults compete for conversation in order to be heard, but no one ever really gets heard.

Control as Competition

Addicts compulsively try to win as a way to maintain control and feel good (or avoid feeling bad). Winning is associated with perfectionism and controlling the outcome. The denied terror in the perfectionism, and the resulting need to control the outcome, propel the addict parent into the need to win. As a result of this, and the lack of their own self worth due to being raised as objects of addiction themselves, they choose to exploit their children in order to gain a sense of worth. When a child tries to say something important, the addict parent will respond in a way that leads the child to believe that the statement they have made was of no consequence. When a child tries to express a sense of accomplishment, the addict responds in a way that leads the child to believe that the accomplishment they've achieved was of no consequence. When the child tries to compete for attention, the addict parent responds by switching into "compete mode" with the intent to compete, win, ignore, and repress the child.

"Despite what competitive parents may claim to want for their children, their hidden agenda is to ensure that their children can't outdo them." (Forward 105).

Unless the child acts out or rebels in some way, in order to be recognized as an identity or a person, and not the object of an addiction, the addict will continue to compete and repress the child. The addict's addiction to win is stronger than the child's identity and welfare. The weight of unhealthy (dependency) competition is something that children of dysfunctional families experience as: "not feeling good enough." Another unhealthy load, the load of "not feeling good enough," is added to the load list.

• The load of feeling responsible for the feelings of their addict parent(s).
• The load of their own unresolved grief and repressed pain (coping with pain alone).
• The load of having to be perfect (or invisible).
• The load of not ever feeling good enough.

Approval seeking or fishing for acceptance

Approval seeking or fishing for acceptance is another load that children of addicts bear. "I need you to make me feel ok." Children of addict parents will be used like a drug, by the addict parent, for emotional and physiological support to feel better (feel approved of, accepted, ok, affirmed, or not in pain and anxiety). Not having received the emotional support and skills to "feel better" from their own parents or guardians, addict parents continue to seek and "fish" for the missing approval, good feelings, and emotional support, from their children. The load of emotional support is now added to the load list.

• The load of feeling responsible for the feelings of their addict parent(s).
• The load of their own unresolved grief and repressed pain (coping with pain alone).
• The load of having to be perfect (or invisible).
• The load of not ever feeling good enough.
• The load of emotional support for the addict.

Addict parents will "fish" for approval, acceptance, ok-ed-ness, or affirmation in an infinite number of covert ways. A child might hear their addictive parent say things like:

• "Oh, I don't think I'm very good at that."
• "Tell mommy you like her new dress, don't ya like my new dress?"
• "Don't ya love yer old dad?, tell daddy ya love him."
• "Tell mommy you love her."
• "Do you still love mommy?"
• "Do you still love daddy?"
• "You're so smart/ pretty/ handsome, I wish I could be that way."
• "I'm just not good at doing this."
• "I don't think I'm good at playing games."
• "I guess I'm just getting old."
• "I'm not getting any younger; you should understand that."
• "I'm not as young as I used to be."
• "You probably think this sounds stupid or silly, but . . . . . "
• "You're doing (this). Right? Right? Right?
• "You're just (whatever). Right? Right? Right?