Shaming and Abusive Language

Shaming and Abusive Language are destructive control behaviors that use shaming remarks, names, and labels to control the child. Shaming is not the same as false guilt. Shaming is judging with the intent to humiliate and discount the child's sense of self worth.

An addict parent may see or hear something that the child has done or said and begin to "feel bad." In response to their own feelings of bad-ness or shame, they'll try to project these internal feelings externally onto the child. The addict parent will do this by saying things in a victim-like way such as,

• "Why did you do that?."
• "What a stupid thing to do."
• "Why are you so stupid?"
• "I thought I raised you better than that."
  
• "You ought to know better."
• "You should of known better."
• "You're embarrassing me and pissing me off."
• "Stop that right now; everyone is looking; you're being naughty (or a bad) girl/ boy."

Shame is designed to lead the child into believing that they are somehow inadequate, strange, or not good enough. The addict "feels better" by expelling their internal feelings of shame or bad-ness and projecting that shame or bad-ness onto the child. In this way the child has been used like a drug in order for the addict to feel better or avoid "feeling bad."

Neglect and Abandonment

Neglect and Abandonment is present in any relationship where one or more of the individuals in the relationship is an addict. Abandonment refers to physically or "emotionally" leaving the child in favor of the addiction. Neglect refers to the lack of either "emotional" or physical maintenance that a child requires in order to grow and develop. The absence of food, clothing, shelter, and medical care are examples of physical neglect or abandonment. The absence of nurturing, compassion, hugging, holding, listening, and other kinds of "emotional" support, are examples of "emotional" neglect or abandonment.

It is hard to see "emotional" neglect or abandonment. The addict may appear to be home all the time and apparently taking care of the child's needs. However, "emotional" neglect or abandonment can't be seen without spending time observing the addict and child in relationship. Addicts "emotionally" abandon or neglect everything in favor of satisfying their addiction (this includes addictions to work, exercise, food, sex, gambling, religion etc). Children who have addict parents are forced to forfeit their relationship with their addict parent in favor of the addiction. The addiction is stronger than the child. Even though the child is an object of addiction, the addiction takes precedence. By that I mean, from an outside view (a view from outside the family) it will appear that the child is receiving attention, when in fact, it is the addiction itself (the child as an object of addiction) which is receiving the attention and not the child as a sentient being.

Talking in "lecture form" is a type of "emotional" neglect or abandonment. Lecturing a child is talking to a child or at a child without asking them for their opinion or listening to them in return. It's a one sided conversation where the addict uses the child in order to expel internal feelings or thoughts. The child's identity or "emotional self" is not acknowledged or affirmed in a conversation that uses lecture form.

Excessively talking, interrupting, and competing for conversation are also a types of "emotional" neglect or abandonment. A child never really gets heard in these kinds of interaction because the addict parent is thinking about what to say next instead of listening. They are preoccupied with (addicted to) controlling the conversation instead of listening to what's being said by the child.

"Silence" is another way to "emotionally" neglect or abandon a child. By not sharing anything intimate or vulnerable with the child, or not sharing information that the child needs to grow and develop, the child is " emotionally" and "intellectually" neglected and abandoned. The child is left alone without "emotional" or "intellectual" information to grow and develop. Silence is another way of destructively controlling. That is to say, information is power and holding onto information empowers the addict by not having to feel vulnerable. The child will never know a sense of comfort by knowing that the addict has also felt vulnerable at times or has felt vulnerable as a child.

Emotional or physical neglect and abandonment are used as control techniques by the addict parent. If an object of addiction becomes too difficult for the addict to use i.e. control, the object will be discarded. In a similar way, if the child of an addict parent becomes too difficult to use, i.e. control or to make compliant, he or she will be discarded. Children of addict parents learn that in order to stay accepted in their family they must remain easy to use, and be without boundary (do nothing to frustrate the addict). Children of addict parents learn how to become easy to use by becoming invisible; which means to become compliant and without needs, or suffer the consequences of being apparent, real, noticeable, with boundaries, and having needs.

Talking to keep distance (or avoiding intimacy).

I notice that my father talks compulsively as a way to distance himself from the listener. I have noticed myself doing the same thing. By reacting to what's being said instead of listening to what's being said, I end up thinking of what to say next and never hear what's being said. Children growing up in addiction may experience this type of "emotional" abandonment as "taking to keep distance." A conversation is occurring but no one is being heard. The addict controls intimacy (emotional closeness), or the lack of it, by talking and reacting to what is being said as a way to distance themselves from the listener.