"Intimidation" is form of coercion. This destructive control behavior is designed to produce fear (terror) through intimidation in order to maintain control. Considering the size, strength, experience, and knowledge of an adult as compared to a child, intimidation is easy for an addict parent to achieve. Lack of knowledge, strength, size, and experience on the part of the child ends up being a destructive control opportunity for the addict parent to make use of. They'll use the opportunity to intimidate in a destructive way by leading the child into feeling that they are somehow inadequate. This is accomplished by projecting a sense of multiple inadequacy onto the child i.e. lack of knowledge, strength, size, and experience. The child's resulting fears of inadequacy are then used by the addict parent to control the child. The following statements are examples of phases used by the addict parent in order to intimidate and produce fear.

• "You should of known better!"
• "I don't care if you're tired!"
• "I don't care if you're too little!"
  
• "I don't care if you can't!"
• "Hurry-up pokie (slowpoke)!"
• "Get going right now!"
• "I don't care if you think you can't do that!"
• "You're just stupid, that's your problem!"
• "Your problem is that you're too stupid to remember!"

Doomsayer

"The worst is going to happen if . . . . ." This type of destructive control behavior is used by the addict parent in order to shame, scare, or terrorize the child into compliance. The addict parent will predict some catastrophe and then use it to control the child. The addict parent might say something like, "If you do this, then ________ will happen. And it will really be terrible; something really bad will happen to you."

I remember spilling sugar when I was little. My mother turned to me full of terror and fury and said, "Now ants are going to come into the house!" The idea was to instill shame, terror, or fear into me in order to force (control) me into not making the same mistake twice. Doomsaying is also a form of coercion. That is to say controlling by use of fear, terror, and shame.

Unfortunately, the thought had not occurred to her that cleaning up the sugar would change that "catastrophic" outcome. Her perceptions and reactions to this "catastrophic" outcome were based on information that she received as a child. And left unexamined, she continues to react or overreact in response to these same kinds of events as an adult doomsayer, and with no forethought as to the possible changes that have occurred over time or alternate coping strategies for the situation.

Playing the Victim

Playing the Victim is an extremely effective technique used to control someone (especially children). The addict parent controls the child's behavior by becoming the so-called wounded victim. The child might say or do something that the addict parent becomes uncomfortable with. In reaction to the child's behavior, the addict parent responds by saying something like this:

• "How could you do that to your mother?"
• "Mommy thinks you don't love her anymore."
• "You don't care about me at all, do you."
• "You're hurting mommy. You're driving her crazy and no one will be able to take care of you then!"

This destructive control behavior uses false guilt to control the child. When the addict parent plays the victim, the child looks inward and thinks: "How could I do that to my parent . . . . . She (or He) looks so hurt and sounds so angry or depressed . . . . She's (or He's) talking and looking at me; therefore I must have caused her (or his) pain . . . . I'd better be good so I don't hurt her (or him) any more . . . . . she's (or he's) the only one I have to take care of me and the alternative of taking care of myself scares me to death, because that's impossible for myself as a child to do. I could die. I'm sure I'd die."

The goal of an addict who is addicted to their child is to "feel better" by controlling the child. As stated before, control is equated to compliance and compliance is equated to no frustration. No frustration or conflict is equated to security and security equates to happy addict. Unfortunately, Children of addict parents grow up full of false guilt or shame as a result of being trained by the addict parent's use of playing the victim. They (the children) automatically feel guilty, terrified, and anxious when they come in contact with anyone playing the victim.