All of the phrases, whichever or however they are used, have one thing in common. They are designed to trick or coerce the child in to offering some sort of approval and emotional support for the addict and their behavior. It is a very crazy making game that addicts play to win, with no rules. The goal is to solicit a response from the child that would lead the addict to "feel better." It's a dependency relationship. And the other players (the children) in the game, don't count.

Lying to avoid disapproval is another approval seeking behavior which uses the child to feel better. An addict parent fears disapproval and conflict; and as a result of this fear, they lie to avoid disapproval or conflict. The addict offers information and/ or something that he or she believes the child will approve of (in this way the child is being used like a drug for the addict to feel better). The information and/ or the something ends up to be a falsehood, leading the child to believe that they are unworthy of the original offering. In addition, the child becomes angry and hurt as a result of being betrayed by the addict's falsehood. Children of addicts often feel "let down" and lied to, as a result of their addict parent's need to control disapproval and/ or avoid conflict. Lying creates distrust. Distrust is common within dysfunctional families (it's part of the crazy making game). Distrust is also part of the emotional load (the repressed pain load) carried by child raised as objects of addiction.

False Caring

Another way addicts use children as emotional support is by offering a sense of " false caring." False caring is where the addict pretends to be concerned with how the child's life is going, or what the child thinks, as a way to invite conversation about their own life, or opinion, and gain listening support at the same time. As an example, the addict may say something like the following:

• "How's your day going?"
• "Have you been sick lately?"
• "What do you think about . . . . . . ?"
• "Have you gotten . . . . . . . . . done?"
• "Do you like . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ?"
• "What do you think of . . . . . . . . ?"
• "Do you think it's ok to . . . . . . . .?"

The addict will usually listen momentarily to the child's response, then interrupt at the first opportunity to talk about the topic in relationship to themselves. This leads the child to feel like their addict parent wasn't interested in hearing what it was they had to say in the first place. In this way the child is being abandoned and repressed. In addition to feeling abandoned or repressed in the conversation, the child is now expected to offer listening support as well. What ever the question is, however it is phased, it will have a "hidden agenda" for being asked. The hidden agenda will be to use the child (like a drug) for emotional and physiological support in order to feel better.

When this happens to me I feel like saying, "Why did you ask me about how I feel if you weren't going to listen? And why ask, if the whole purpose for your asking was to talk about yourself while I sit here expected to listen to you; especially someone who isn't going to listen to me?" The situation most common to me would be in the following conversation example:

Addict: (The bait) "How's your day going?"

Child: (The hook) "Fine, except the lunch line was really long at school today."

Addict: (The sinker) "Oh I know what you mean. Today I went to the bank and the line was awful. The tellers must have been on break or something. That bank really needs to do something about that. All I had to do was cash a small check and they couldn't even take the time to let me go ahead of the other people. I'm thinking of changing banks. Maybe that will teach them a lesson and they'll start thinking about what it means to lose customers. The more I think about it, the more I think I'll just do that. You know that pisses me off the more I think about waiting there. I'm a good customer and don't deserve to be treated like that, I . . . . . etc."

The child's frustrations with the lunch line were never really heard. Addict parents believe that by relating a story to the child of similar occurrence, they have in fact listened to the child. In truth, they have reacted to the child's information and not listened to the child. The child's feelings were repressed, abandoned and not heard. In addition the child was used as listening support (adding insult to injury). The addict baited the child into a false sense of concern for the child's feelings, thoughts, or opinions; when in fact, the addict just wanted (needed) to use the child as a listener in order to talk about their day with no intention of listening to the child in return. In this way, the child is used as listening (emotional or physiological) support for the addict in order for the addict to "feel better."