Asking for my needs to be met is more productive using the same non-victim role as with setting boundaries. As an infant, I had my own infant ways of asking for needs to be met. As an adult, I have adult ways to ask for my needs to be met. Clarity is important. .Over-explaining the reason for my needs is control for approval's sake. I can choose not to control by explaining.

There is fear in asking for my needs to be met. My needs were shamed or discounted as a child. That fear of shaming or discounting generates hostility in my conversation style. The hostility is projected onto the listener. In return, they become hostile in order to protect themselves or become submissive in order to protect themselves. Either way the listener will resent the interaction.

I can choose to approach my needs in a non-victim style (non-victimstance). I find a more nurturing result more often. I state my fear of asking up front and not hide it in a hostile conversation.

Examples:

• "I'm afraid of asking for ____________"
• "I'm afraid of not knowing how to ask for __________"
• "I'm learning how to ask for my needs to be met. I need your patience while I learn."

Some basic needs statements

I need ______________

• to eat.
• a drink of water.
• to go to the rest room.
• to get some different clothes, a jacket, etc. (to stay warm, dry, etc)
• to go to the doctor.
• to throw-up.
• a place to stay.
• a job.
• a loan.
• to borrow some money.
• a ride.
• to get gas.
• to have my car repaired.
• help.
• to go to a meeting.
• to know if . . . . . .
• to know if you like me.
• to know if anyone else feels this way.
• your approval.
• to rest.
• a hug.
• a kiss.
• to be held.
• to be with people.
• to say I'm sorry.
• to say that for myself.
• to do this.
• to talk.
• to know if you have time to listen.
• to do this myself.
• to go slow.
• to keep this confidential.
• your patience.
• you to know that I love you.
• to know if you're being honest with me.
• to know if you are lying to me. (without controlling the response)
• to know if you are mad at me.
• to know if you love me.
• to know if you expect something from me that I don't know about.
• to leave.
• to stay awhile.
• a back-rub.
• your friendship.
• you to back off.
• you to slow down.
• to work something out with you.

Miscellaneous needs set as a limit.

• "I don't know. "as a need, for a healthy "limits" recognition statement).
• "No, I need time to think about this. "as a need, for a healthy "limits" recognition statement)

Whatever the needs statement be, I practice being clear, direct, non-victim, non-whining, and non-controlling. I can choose to "ask" before I decide that my needs won't be met. I accept that asking for my needs to be met and getting them met are different. I won't be able to get my needs met in one place.

If I consistently ask for a need to be met, and it's not being met, I need to go elsewhere. I accept that my needs are important. I accept that my needs are my needs and my responsibility. My needs are not someone else's responsibility. My needs are not a guessing game for someone else. And, my needs are not the perception that someone else has of them.

next: I'll Be Scared for Awhile