Appendix

Addict parents do not respect boundaries. They have no idea what the concept of boundaries is about. Setting a boundary for an addict parent creates an immediate hostile and abusive response. Children raised in dysfunctional families are abused, beaten, or abandoned when they try to keep themselves from being injured or intruded upon by setting a boundary (examples: "Don't do that you're hurting me! or Ow-w-w! . . . that hurts!" or "Pl-e-a-s-e . . . don't") This is another part of the terror for children who were raised as objects of addiction. The addict parent is operating on the assumption that the child is an object of use and therefore does not need to be allowed a sense of safety by allowing boundaries. A boundary is seen by the addict parent as something that needs to be demolished in order to keep the child functioning as an object of use.

"Even in quiet moments, these children live in fear that the volcano of rage will erupt at any moment. And when it does, anything the victim does to fend off the blows only outrages the abuser more." (Forward 21).

Nurture List

Below are things I do to nurture myself.

Compassion for limits and feelings. Choosing to feel comfortable with all that I am. Compassion for my double binds.

Acknowledging feelings without control (acknowledge the feeling).

Acknowledging feelings of pain without controlling them.

Acknowledging the terror.

Saying all I need to say as a way to expel, vs. saying all I need to say to explain it.

Unconditional giving to myself. Without the conditions of guilt or shame

Honesty; inside of myself.

Patience when I don't know how to do something, how to say something, the answer (and not make up one), what I like, what I need, what I hate, what I want.

When I'm feeling anxious am I . . . . . Approval seeking or about to seek approval? Creating an event as a way to stay chaotic in my head?

Using my detachment skills. Non-use of destructive control behaviors.

Allowing another person to share an insight with me without having to accommodate it or change as a result of it.

Sharing an insight with another person without having to have them accommodate it or change as a result of it.

When I don't feel ok about myself, when I'm around someone or something, maybe it's time to change and get away from the someone or the something.

Creativity and chaos. There's a lot of things that could be done. Do they need to be done? Do I want to do them? Are they creatively keeping me in chaos? Creativity is a gift and not the chaotic curse. Scaring myself as a way to be creative is an old response to terrorhood.

Healing in recovery. Going to meetings.

Where was I when I learned that information? Is it old information passed down without revision from generation to generation?

Using the knowledge I'm learning in recovery to un-train myself as an object of addiction. My parents are no longer responsible for the choices I make; only the training prevents me from living a life of my choosing. Am I using my parents as objects of addiction?

Taking time to practice (not having to do it perfectly).

Trusting my feelings to be correct for me.

Trusting my opinions, my thoughts, and my instincts.

Clarity in asking for my needs.

Clarity in setting boundaries.

Taking terror and control out of the anger (remembering: terror + control + anger= rage).