Having a healthy sense of detachment is the working foundation for an intimate relationship.

We heal in relationship with ourselves and with others.

Detachment is the first skill to learn to heal. Being aware of my mother's moods and actions was significant to my survival. I no longer need this skill. However, the skill I learned had a trade off. I traded the awareness of myself (my identity) in exchange for the awareness of my mother's moods and actions. I had no awareness or identity of myself so I learned how to attach myself to the things and people in my life in order to assume an identity. I used the things and people in my environment to decide about how I am to think about myself and who I am (external referencing for self awareness and identity). The definition of who I am had become dependent on external factors rather than internal factors. It's time to trade back.

The Rewards of Detachment

• Learning how to live without the need to create chaos.
• Learning how to become self aware and self defined.
• Learning how to care for myself in nurturing ways.
• Learning how to cope with addicts without being an object of addiction.
• Learning self acceptance and the acceptance of other people or events.

Below are some lessons to practice in order to learn the skill of detachment. Any lesson may be practiced by itself or in combination with other lessons. Go slow. Go easy.

The Lessons

1. Stop analyzing.
2. Stop interpreting.
3. Stop explaining.
4. Stop looking for answers.
5. Allow other people to have a "belief system" separate from my own.
6. Stop "rescuing" other people from their shortcomings or problems.
7. Control as competition.
8. Listen in a way that allows me to take "a vacation" from what is being said.
9. Hang up the phone.
10. Walk away.
11. Keep in mind that the perceptions I have are going to differ from the perceptions that other people have.
12. What I say is good enough the first time it comes out of my mouth.
13. Ask for clarification.
14. Build an "inner authority."
15. Keep in mind that people do the best they can at the moment.
16. When the object is an object (not a person).
17. Behave in a way that says to the outside world, and to myself, that I have value.
18. Non-Fishing for approval.
19. Recognize what "other-oriented" feels like.
20. Recognize the "addictive pull."
21. Living in the present.
22. Spending time alone.
23. Acceptance as a way to extradite chaos.
24. Allowing myself to feel bad.
25. When I talk to expel stress, I talk for myself and not for the audience.

Stop Analyzing

Stop analyzing means to relax. By trying to figure it out, whatever it is, I compulsively keep myself busy with activity in my head. I no longer claim serenity when I'm analyzing. Analyzing is a way for me to create chaos and maintain terror in my head. Chaos is a way for me to continue to terrorize myself.