A Place to Start Healing

Allowing other people to have a belief system separate from my own

Allowing other people to have a belief system separate from my own may also keep me out of chaos and terror. When my young son looks up in the sky, points at a group of clouds and says, "Look daddy . . . . its a dog!," I don't need to create chaos for myself by discounting his belief system. By saying to him, "No son . . . . . . its just clouds," I create chaos for myself and discount him at the same time. He believes the clouds to look like dogs. He has a right to experience clouds (his life) in his own way.

When my spouse says to me, "I think you are golfing too much," I don't need to create chaos for myself by discounting or minimizing her belief system. By saying something like, "Your crazy or No way," I create the opportunity for chaos and terror to occur for myself and discount or minimize her at the same time. She believes I'm golfing too much. The point is not whether I am, or am not golfing too much. The point is that she believes that I am. I may respect her beliefs without agreeing with them. I don't need to create chaos by trying to gain her approval, i.e. convincing her that my golfing is not too much and that it ought to be ok with her. I may respect her belief system without agreeing with it or creating chaos in a compulsive way for myself. I do this by saying, "I didn't know you felt like that," or "I'm sad you feel that way," and stop there. Acknowledging her belief system is all that I need do. I need not change it, change her, or change myself.

Stop "rescuing" other people from their shortcomings or problems

Stop "rescuing" other people from their shortcomings or problems means to allow people the dignity to find their own way. Some examples of rescuing would be:

• Filling in the blanks for someone who is stuck looking for a word (in a conversation I'm having with them).
• Anticipating a need I perceive them to have and acting on it. Each person is responsible for asking for their needs to be met. The only exceptions would be those who are incapable of asking, such as an infant, someone who is unconscious, or someone impaired with a disability and unable to verbalize their needs.
• Analyzing a problem someone has told me about in order to solve it for them without being asked if I would.
• Reading minds or interpreting cues, body language, and other non-verbal communication; then using that information as the basis for a response to that person, instead of allowing that person to ask directly for what they need.
• Helping as approval seeking (also choose to see Control Behaviors That Hurt,"When Helping isn't helping").

These activities as well as all destructive control activities are designed to create chaos and maintain terror; and addicts are said to be addicted to excitement (chaos and terror). The excitement is two-fold:

The key to detaching from the need to rescue is to wait until I've been asked for help. However, I need to keep in mind that people ask in awkward and unclear ways for help. People do the best that they can at the moment and people do what they think they need to do to take care of themselves. Unfortunately, their behavior may also result in miscommunication (or the lack of it).

I can choose to ask for clarification if I think someone is trying to solicit my help, but hasn't actually said:

• "I need your help."
• "Will you help me?"
• "May I have your help for a minute?"

The word "help" is the common link in each phrase. I need to listen for the word help before I react, even though it may be painfully clear to me what needs to be done or said. In this way I allow people the dignity and love to find their own way. I can also detach when I feel the need to rescue by stating,

• "I feel helpless when this happens."
• "I don't know what to say."
• "I wish I could help."
• Or any other statement that doesn't state things like, "Here's how to do that." or "Let me tell you how to fix that".

Control as competition

I don't need to compulsively compete in a conversation in way that creates chaos for myself. I don't need to compulsively compete driving my car in a way that creates chaos for myself. I don't need to compulsively compete to create chaos as a way to maintain terror in myself.

One of the ways I continue to create chaos for myself is in competition. This is different than healthy competition. The competition I'm referring to is the need to win or the compulsion to win. As an example:

In conversation, when someone relates a story to me, as a way to create chaos for myself I compulsively compete with them by adding to their story, relating a bigger or better story, or in some way discount their story. I'm sabotaging the other person's story in a way to compete, create chaos, and maintain terror.