Ask for clarification

Mixed messages are common in the use of language. The same words may be verbalized in many different ways to alter the meaning. When someone says something that makes me wonder: "What are you trying to say?," a mixed message has occurred. Examples would be:

• Someone smiling at me while they are saying "You really piss me off."
• Someone laughing while they are talking about something sad.
• Someone frowning as they are saying "I really like this."
• Someone using sarcasm or odd facial expressions to discredit what they've just said.

Another mixed message, which is harder to understand, is the message which is open for debate. What does the word "trust" mean? The word trust means something different to me than it does for someone else. What does the word "commitment" mean? What does the word "cold" mean? What does the phrase "too salty" mean? When someone says, "This is a good book," what criteria are they using for the word "good." How about when someone says, "He or She is a jerk or an ass-hole." What constitutes being a jerk or an ass-hole?

Words are symbols that people use to communicate. Each word has a symbolic meaning. The meaning of each symbol is defined by the person using the symbol. Imagine asking a house painter to paint your house green without showing him the color of green you want. Green is a word symbol. Without looking at the same color green, do you think the green you're thinking of is the same green he's thinking of ? (It's not).

The point to all these situations is to ask for clarification. The only way for me to understand what someone else's word concepts mean, is to ask them. When the information I'm listening to requires my understanding of the other person's point of view, I ask for clarification. I don't need to get caught up in creating chaos for myself by not asking for clarification.

I also need to remember that the person I seek the clarification from may not always be able to clarify their statement (especially children). I don't need to be responsible for their clarification. Taking on the responsibility for their clarification creates chaos for myself and discounts them at the same time. I say to myself, "I choose not to be caught up in someone else's chaos. This isn't my chaos." I may choose to ask for clarity or not to ask for clarity.

One of the things I do as a way of attaching myself to someone else's chaos is to agree with someone else's information without understanding what it was they've said. One day a friend turned to me and said, "You know ticks on fleas make dogs run sideways." I turned to him and said, "Yep! I know exactly what you mean."

Build an "inner authority"

Build an "inner authority" means to develop a new loving parent inside of myself. This loving authority will be my source for love and approval. Before I make any decisions about myself, or my behavior, I stop here inside myself and visit with my inner authority before I proceed. I try to remember to ask myself what I think, before I decide if I need to inquire elsewhere.

My inner authority is where I go to be honest with myself. Choosing to share that .i.honesty; is another matter. My inner authority allows me to feel safe. My inner authority is not willing to allow myself to become injured as a result of being honest with someone outside of myself. Over-explaining and giving up information that may injure me is not something I need to do. Honesty is earned. Testing the waters (taking a risk to share an honest feeling, a thought, or an opinion) is an option; not a requirement.

Accepting and developing healthy (authentic) sets of limits for myself is also part of building an inner authority. Being able to recognize my limits and checking them out with my inner authority before I proceed (saying "Yes") is being compassionate to myself. No expectation, mine or someone else's, is worth meeting if it jeopardizes my health. Saying, "No" is easier with an inner authority for support, love, and compassion. I also learn to laugh at mistakes with my inner authority. Changing my decisions is easier and more nurturing to myself with an inner authority that accepts my right to change my mind. Decisions are not forever. My inner authority has two rules to help me live by:

As long as I'm not hurting myself or someone else, my inner authority is happy with me. When I do hurt myself, or someone else, my inner authority reminds me that I'm ok to be human. I apologize* to myself and to the other person, in order to feel better. And when I apologize, I apologize without requiring forgiveness in return. I don't need to require forgiveness (seek approval) from the person I'm apologizing to. This adds control and compulsion to the apology and causes a hidden approval seeking agenda to occur.

*Also referred to as "making an amends."

Note: This is always a confusing issue when someone is doing the "victim thing" as a destructive control behavior. Understanding the "victimstance" concept and the use of "victim" as a destructive control behavior will help me avoid unnecessary amends and feeling unworthy about myself. I used to find myself apologizing profusely (I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry) when ever I was in the presence of someone doing the "victim thing" until I understood the concept of "victim" as a destructive control behavior and started wondering "What the hell I am saying sorry again for?" I need only to know that being in the presence of someone doing the "victim thing" will compel me internally to:

• Say I'm sorry.
• Wonder how I can cheer up their day.
• Get really pissed off because they're acting like this.
• Get crazy about wondering what I did wrong or why they are angry or ignoring me (How come they don't like me, etc).