What You Can Change and What You Can't - DID and Childhood Traits

Written by Martin E. P. Seligman

My theory says that it does not matter when problems, habits, and personality are acquired; their depth derives only from their biology, their evidence, and their power. Some childhood traits, for example, are deep and unchangeable but not because they were learned early and therefore have a privileged place.

Rather, those traits that resist change do so either because they are evolutionarily prepared or because they acquire great power by virtue of becoming the framework around which later learning crystallizes. In this way, the theory of depth carries the optimistic message that we are not prisoners of our past.

When you have understood this message, you will never look at your life in the same way again. Right now there are a number of things that you do not like about yourself and that you want to change: your short fuse, your waistline, your shyness, your drinking, your glumness. You have decided to change, but you do not know what you should work on first. Formerly you would have probably selected the one that hurts the most. Now you will also ask yourself which attempt is most likely to repay your efforts and which is most likely to lead to further frustration. Now you know your shyness and your anger are much more likely to change than your drinking, which you now know is more likely to change than your waistline.

Some of what does change is under your control, and some is not. You can best prepare yourself to change by learning as much as you can about what you can change and how to make those changes. Like all true education, learning about change is not easy; harder yet is surrendering some of our hopes. It is certainly not my purpose to destroy your optimism about change. But it is also not my purpose to assure everybody they can change in every way. My purpose is to instill a new, warranted optimism about the parts of your life you can change and so help you focus your limited time, money, and effort on making actual what is truly within your reach.

Life is a long period of change. What you have been able to change and what has resisted your highest resolve might seem chaotic to you: for some of what you are never changes no matter how hard you try, and other aspects change readily. My hope is that this essay has been the beginning of wisdom about the difference.

What Can We Change?

When we survey all the problems, personality types, patterns of behavior, and the weak influence of childhood on adult life, we see a puzzling array of how much change occurs. From the things that are easiest to those that are the most difficult, this rough array emerges:

Panic: Curable; Specific Phobias: Almost Curable; Sexual Dysfunctions: Marked Relief; Social Phobia: Moderate Relief; Agoraphobia: Moderate Relief; Depression: Moderate Relief; Sex Role Change: Moderate; Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Moderate Mild Relief; Sexual Preferences: Moderate Mild Change; Anger: Mild Moderate Relief; Everyday Anxiety: Mild Moderate Relief; Alcoholism: Mild Relief; Overweight: Temporary Change; Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Marginal Relief; Sexual Orientation: Probably Unchangeable; Sexual Identity: Unchangeable.

Self-Analysis Questionnaire

Is your life dominated by anxiety? Read each statement and the mark the appropriate number to indicate how you generally feel. There are no right or wrong answers.

1. I am a steady person.

Almost Never | Sometimes | Often | Almost always | 4 3 2 1

2. I am satisfied with myself.

Almost Never | Sometimes | Often | Almost always | 4 3 2 1

3. I feel nervous and restless.

Almost Never | Sometimes | Often | Almost always | 1 2 3 4

4. I wish I could be as happy as others seem to be.

Almost Never | Sometimes | Often | Almost always | 1 2 3 4

5. I feel like a failure.

Almost Never | Sometimes | Often | Almost always | 1 2 3 4

6. I get in a state of tension and turmoil as I think over my recent concerns and interests.

Almost Never | Sometimes | Often | Almost always | 1 2 3 4

7. I feel secure.

Almost Never | Sometimes | Often | Almost always | 4 3 2 1

8. I have self-confidence.

Almost Never | Sometimes | Often | Almost always | 4 3 2 1

9. I feel inadequate.

Almost Never | Sometimes | Often | Almost always | 1 2 3 4

10. I worry too much over something that does not matter.

Almost Never | Sometimes | Often | Almost always | 1 2 3 4

To score, simply add up the numbers under your answers. Notice that some of the rows of numbers go up and others go down. The higher your total, the more the trait of anxiety dominates your life. If your score was: 10-11, you are in the lowest 10 percent of anxiety. 13-14, you are in the lowest quarter. 16-17, your anxiety level is about average. 19-20, Your anxiety level is around the 75th percentile. 22-24 (and you are male) your anxiety level is around the 90th percentile. 24-26 (and you are female) your anxiety level is around the 90th percentile. 25 (and you are male) your anxiety level is at the 95th percentile. 27 (and you are female) your anxiety level is at the 95th percentile.

Should you try to change your anxiety level? Here are my rules of thumb:

If your score is at the 90th percentile or above, you can probably improve the quality of your life by lowering your general anxiety level--regardless of paralysis and irrationality.

If your score is at the 75th percentile or above, and you feel that anxiety is either paralyzing you or that it is unfounded, you should probably try to lower your general anxiety level.

If your score is 18 or above, and you feel that anxiety is unfounded and paralyzing, you should probably try to lower your general anxiety level.

next: Considering Suicide? STOP!