3/11/99 My landscape has been permanently altered. I see her now running wild in the blue wind, .....free as the spirit. She will forever haunt my memory and sail thru my mind. Life is a relentless chore right now. stupid things to do, painful things to feel, and sorrow everywhere. The shades of color of things has somehow changed....tinged with a dull mist, or hidden behind brocade fabric.....thick, heavy, watered down....when I go somewhere, anywhere, it is pointless, mindless wandering......I feel as tho now I am to wander the planet aimlessly for the rest of my life.

3/11/99 How can people possibly think that we would be better off without them. We are better off without no one, for each of us weaves a web, a fabric in time, that is connected to so many people and events, more than even we know.

People whom neither Shelia nor I ever knew are affected by this, and the closer one is to her, the more profound the effect. To remove yourself from the fabric you have woven is to rip out the heart that holds it all together, and leaves strands of memory dangling in its place. You may leave your earthly problems behind for a brighter day with God, but you leave behind a shattered line of travel, one which I am sure you must somehow make amends.

3/11/99 NOTE TO SUICIDAL DID'S AND ALTERS AND ANYONE ELSE IN THE MOOD FOR DEATH; YOU MATTER. YOUR LOVED ONES WILL MISS YOU. THERE IS ANOTHER WAY. THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

Perhaps you think we don't understand your depression. You are right. We don't. I guarantee you this; if you kill yourself, we will--we will enter your depression. We will become your worst nightmare. Is this what you want?

The least you can do is spare the one person in your life who truly cares about you and helps you through the pain you are bearing. Help us to understand, particularly the depth of it. We don't want to know the gory details, only the depth of your pain and the ability you have, at this moment, to contain it.

Your depression and suicide are selfish when they're not shared. We want to see you make it to a world without lost time and hurtful memories. We're willing to walk this path with you, or we would be elsewhere.

It's okay for us to feel like we are here for you. We are all here for someone, and you are special enough to be that person. I really miss caring for Shelia, even with all of her trials and tribulations. She WAS my soulmate, and I CHOSE to walk with her.

I didn't feel burdened or obligated, but rather felt love, loved, and able to give light and love where there was little, especially self-love. If we could each light one candle, we'd light the world.

3/12/99 Yesterday was really hard....a month to the day that Shelia died. I cried alot, all day, and spent most of the evening on the phone in rescue mode. I do need rescuing. My my my. My Shelia is gone. She really is. It is all so unbelievable. I have read the posts about watching and wondering about our SO's (significant others) sleeping. Shelia slept best in my lap or in my arms, and definitely in her own bed. Never slept well in hotels or foreign beds. She was a hopeless insomniac. Guess what I am now?

If she would just come back for one night, I would hold her so tight until she fell asleep. She often fell asleep on my lap on the couch, while I read or watched TV, and often didn't want to move because sleep was such a luxury for her. Guess she doesn't have to worry about that now. I really miss touching her, stroking her hair...

3/13/99

so I work with the gold,and fine weaving it is...
and it feels really old, and never tarnishes
and I dance by the moon, while I wear the gold pin
and I know it'll be soon, that I finish this spin.

and I'll wake up tomorrow, and dream the same dream
a day full of sorrow, as all of them seem.
I'll remember the good days, and cherish them all
while I live in this blind haze in constant freefall.

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