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2/25/99 We know and touch more people than we realize. We need to see that we make an impact on everyone we come into contact with. We mustn't forget that we are all One.
2/25/99 cont. I see that those who have survived trauma may be better able to handle it in the future, as our DID partners show us. Just as revealing to me is that our DID partners may need to know that we may not be as able to handle this kind of trauma.
2/26/99 I have thought about walking across the whole damn country with a big sign on my back saying something like, "I am a survivor of suicide. Don't make your loved ones walk this walk."
2/28/99 Today, I'm really really missing my loved one. She should be here spending her free time with me..."our Sundays". Never will I save a Sunday for anyone. Like a reserved parking place for the handicapped. Why must I continue to cry every day? Because if I don't, my heart will absolutely explode.
I can only do things for so long. My life is measured by so longs--can only read for so long, sit for so long, write for so long, eat for so long, think for so long, sleep for so long. But the biggest so long is for Shelia. So long, Shelia.
3/1/99 I hope I sleep tonight. I hope I never know of anyone else who has to go thru this. Hope is keeping me alive, just above the horizon. I hope the sun rises. I hope it sets. I do know that after this, I take NOTHING for granted.
 3/4/99 Love, yes; we loved each other deeply, longly. Yet also, everpresent in my heart was a distinct feeling, more like an anchor---I am supposed to be here. Period. Always that thought was, and still is, there. I don't know if any of you have ever felt this, but some part of me always did. And when the MPD came along, that feeling was even more finely distilled, like sugar in morning coffee.
I am supposed to be here. I am your lover, I am also your rock. Your net. I will catch you. I will hold you. Rock you. Rock me. Loves me like a rock, oh mama. I was supposed to be here, for Shelia, until the day she died. But not like this, oh no. It was suppossd to be in the autumn of some faraway year, her all put back together again, like Humpty Dumpty. But now I remember, doesn't that end with: "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again."
3/5/99 But my feet got sooo heavy; what happened to that lightfooted creature that I was created to be? It now lumbers along, trying to sort out its plodding ways. And the lighthouse that used to shine on your path just blew out; just went right out. Like breaking your leg and losing the crutch, and having to walk that damn edge, without the crutch.
 3/5/99 cont. Shelia used to ask me in the first years of our relationship, "Do you still love me?" And I would answer, "Still". So I had a gold charm made that says "still" on one side, and "AJ" on the other, and she always wore it.......we would look at each other and one would say, "Still?".and the other would answer, Still.......Now I wear it, along with all her rings, one on each finger,and her gold bear around my neck.......and I call out to her in the night, the still night, to her ever still body and soul........."Still"............
3/6/99 I MISS HER SOOO BAD. That's all I have to say. And it's said with a wailful mourn, like a dirge. Sing me home, sweet mama...take it down. The road is long and lonely, and not one I had chosen. What is the purpose here? Who knows?
3/7/99 I'm swimming as fast as I can. Hope I don't drown.
3/8/99 Last week I got upset to see her reduced to a piece of paper, and this week she is eliminated even from paper. Well, she will just have to take up permanent residency in my heart. I have a lock of her beautiful auburn hair that I cut before she was cremated....
3/8/99 Last week, I got upset to see her reduced to a piece of paper, and this week she is eliminated even from paper. Well, she will just have to take up permanent residency in my heart. I have a lock of her beautiful auburn hair that I cut before she was cremated.
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