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David: Here's another audience question:
iscu: Would you say most stalkers are dangerous in a violent sense?
Dr. Orion: A significant number are. It's important to look at several factors when assessing if a stalker might become violent:
Drug/alcohol use increases potential for violence, so does a past history of violence. It also seems that if a stalker who had a prior relationship with the victim threatens the victim, that can increase violence potential. BUT there are many cases in which stalkers never threatened and still became violent.
It is also very important to understand that there are situational factors that can increase violence in stalkers: e.g. anytime the stalker is angry at the victim or feels humiliated by her. Unfortunately, those times often occur when the legal system is involved, i.e. when a restraining order is served.
TexGal: How can one find out who the stalkers are when supposedly no one witnesses, police won't get involved, fingerprints supposedly are not on file. I was stalked from 1990 to 1996. I moved and was stalked there too. So altogether, 7 plus years of being stalked.
Dr. Orion: There are cases like that and they are very difficult. There was a case I wrote about in my book where a mother found out the identity and whereabouts of the man (a convicted felon) stalking her daughter, even when the police had no idea who he was. She was extremely resourceful and persevered, so it can be done in some cases.
David: Is it, in most cases though, that the victim doesn't become empowered, but rather frightened and withdrawn?
Dr. Orion: In many cases, yes. I met a woman once who ended up a virtual prisoner in her trailer, never leaving, and keeping sheets over her windows. She lived like that for some time. I do sincerely believe, though, that as more is learned about how dangerous stalking behavior is, and how disruptive it is to a victim's life (even if there has been no physical violence) that the laws will improve and will help empower victims.
jill: I'm a female and it has been a little over a year since I've been stalked. Now I'm starting over again and have begun dating, but sometimes I worry that I might end up in the same situation again. What should I do to overcome my fears?
Dr. Orion: Fabulous question and a very common problem for stalking victims. The best advice I can give you is: trust your gut. Gavin de Becker's book, Gift of Fear is excellent for helping with that. If I were you, I would also take a long, honest look at that last relationship and ask myself, "What did I miss?" "What signals did I ignore?", not to blame yourself, but to learn and give yourself some valuable tools.
David: I'd like to ask members of the audience: if you've been a victim, how did you handle it emotionally?
TexGal: I journaled extensively but I developed a seizure disorder due to a different trauma and the stalking only exacerbated the seizures
cheyenne4444: Emotionally, very badly. I became very withdrawn, was frightened for my life, and would walk with my head down so I could not look at others, which would upset him. Also, I was unable to see my friends, and he always watched me or had someone watching me, down to the detail of what I was wearing. So I pretty much gave up and withdrew, letting him make all decisions for me. My ex's mother was bipolar, and I believe he was too.
Dr. Orion: About the stalker making all the decisions, this goes back to what I was saying before: that they are often controlling while the relationship is going on. It starts with little things and just escalates.
jill: I told my stalker's parents about their son being a stalker.
Dr. Orion: For Jill - what happened when you told his parents? My stalker's parents knew and they only helped her have more access to me because they were afraid of her themselves!
jill: They actually tried to get help for him. It seems like he felt ashamed of what he was doing and it did work for awhile.
marie1: Is there any evidence indicating that stalkers suffer more than the general population from bipolar disorder?
Dr. Orion: That's an interesting question about bipolar. There is no solid evidence, but there do seem to be many cases in the literature of stalkers with bipolar.
David: What do you recommend if a person becomes a victim of a stalker?
Dr. Orion: The most important thing is not to have any contact with the stalker. NONE. Even negative attention is worse than no attention at all. If he calls you 30 times and you let your machine pick up and on the 31st you can't stand it anymore and you yell into the receiver, "don't call me again" all you've done is teach him it takes 31 calls to get a rise out of you.
I also think it's important to emphasize that everyone tells victims to get restraining orders, but this is not always the best advice. If you are considering getting one, you must first research how these orders are handled in similar cases in your jurisdiction. Do the police arrest or do they just warn? The woman stalking me violated the restraining order 24 times before the police arrested her, and then did so only because the responding officer had himself been stalked. In jurisdictions in which police don't arrest for violations, it's often better not to get one, because then the stalker feels emboldened - like he can do anything, even more than he's doing already and the police won't arrest him. Find out, if you can, what the stalker's response has been in the past to restraining orders (if they've been issued). If he has stopped in the past, that's good. And, again, be aware that getting a restraining order can put you in more danger.
David: What you were saying a moment ago, regarding the calls example, sounds very much like "parenting advice;" what a therapist might say to a parent who has a child who acts out a lot.
Dr. Orion: Good analogy. I often say that a stalker acts like a child. He'd rather have your love, but he'll take your anger if there's no alternative. The worst thing is to be ignored. But often, that's the best tactic and hope that he will get bored and go away.
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