David: Now, this may sound silly, but a lot of sexually abused men are concerned about this. Will male childhood sexual abuse affect your sexuality? Will it make you gay?

Dr. Gartner: It does not sound silly. It is an important question; it relates to a fear that makes many boys and men not talk about their abuse. Conventional wisdom is that early sexual contact with a man can "turn" a boy gay, but most clinicians believe that sexual orientation is well formed by the age of 5 or 6 and for boys, the average age of their first abuse is about 9. In addition, gay men with sexual abuse histories report that they usually had a sense that they were gay BEFORE the abuse occurred. The problem is that boys growing up to be gay, in almost all cases as they try to understand their sexuality, ask themselves "Why am I this way?" It's very easy to say, "Oh! it was the abuse." Paradoxically, though, gay men who were abused by women often ALSO blame their orientation on the abuse.

David: Also, many times when we think of abuse, for whatever reasons, we think of men as the perpetrators of the abuse. Is that also the case with sexually abused boys?

Dr. Gartner: Are you asking about female abusers?

David: Yes, I am.

Dr. Gartner: There are far more female abusers than most people believe. In a study at the University of Massachusetts at Boston they found that, of the men who acknowledged a history of abuse, about 40% said they had had a female abuser (this includes men who were abused by both men and women). But women often abuse in ways that are not as obvious -- it may happen, for example, in the guise of cleanliness -- over-attention to cleaning a boy's genitals in the bath.

David: I have some other questions, but let's get to a couple of audience questions first:

mark45: What about being abused by both parents?

Dr. Gartner: This does indeed sometimes happen, unfortunately. I have known of cases where both parents included the boy in some sexual act together. Is there a particular question about such a situation that you want to ask?

David: I would imagine, especially after an experience like that, it would be hard to trust anyone again?

Dr. Gartner: That is true -- yet many men have enormous resources within and can overcome even such a total betrayal.

Terry22: I was sexually abused by several of my mom's boyfriends when I was in grade school. I have a very hard time with intimacy. I can't just simply show my love. Have you known anyone to overcome this fear of giving and receiving love due to sexual abuse?

Dr. Gartner: Yes, definitely -- it requires a lot of patience and often a relationship with a therapist is helpful here. Having someone to talk to about the distrust, and someone to, perhaps, learn to trust. Of course, some partners are also very patient and can be very helpful if they do not take the reluctance to show love as a personal attack.

David: Given the fact that many men don't seek therapy for anything, much less abuse, I'm wondering if these issues can be dealt with on their own -- sort of through self-help?

Dr. Gartner: Yes, of course. There are, for example, a number of books that can be helpful here -- a small number, but it is growing. Victims No Longer by Mike Lew, Abused Boys by Mic Hunter, and my own Betrayed as Boys (which is written for professionals but I believe is accessible to many men). The reluctance to enter therapy is really part of the problem I was talking about -- men aren't supposed to have needs. So I would hope that men would reconsider their concerns about being in therapy.

TFlynn: Betrayal !! I believe it is a hell of a lot more than that. How does a child of 8 work that out in his head? Who does he turn to? Are you not brought up to respect and honor your mother and father?

Dr. Gartner: That is exactly right -- that is why the betrayal is so huge. If a boy is lucky, there is someone in his life to whom he can turn -- a teacher, or grandparent, for example. It is very difficult to allow yourself to let in what was done to you, if it was done by a parent. Especially because, in some cases, that parent is beloved and helpful and supportive in some ways. I think a child of 8 can't really work that out in his head --you are right.

David: How do you even figure that out as an adult?

Dr. Gartner: An adult does have more resources to figure it out, but it is indeed very difficult. One of the most helpful things is not to be silent.

mark45: How can a person find a place to start talking about being abused?

Dr. Gartner: You are asking about where to go for help? It depends where you are, of course. Often good hospitals have rape intervention programs, and while these were developed to help women who were raped as adults or who have a history of child abuse, the good ones know to treat men as well, and often that help is free. At least they should be able to refer you to an appropriate place. There are also centers that treat abuse and incest in some cities.

paxnfacto: SO what if that is NOT the case (that they are so lucky)... What if you have no other trusted adult to turn to?

Dr. Gartner: That is the case as a child, but it doesn't have to be the case as an adult. I have known boys who made it their business as they got older to find people in whom they could confide. Silence is one of the worst aspects of abuse. If a boy or man feels too ashamed to talk to anyone about what happened, then it festers.

I run groups for sexually abused men, and I am always amazed and gratified when they see that they are not alone and what a difference that makes to them. This is only a first step in healing, of course. There are also some web sites now that have chat rooms and bulletin boards where sexually abused men or their partners can talk to one another anonymously, as you are doing here.