Sexually Abused Men - Men Abuse Histories

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

guthwyn: Dr. Gartner mentioned depression as an aftereffect. My question is: How does one know which methodology to use in the resolution of this issue? For example, through further psychotherapy or via a medical approach, in the context of chronic depression and extensive abuse histories.

Dr. Gartner: It doesn't have to be one or the other. I often see men in psychotherapy and refer them for medication consultations as an adjunct. If an antidepressant works, often the man begins to be able to behave differently in the world and then we have different, new things to talk about in the therapy.

David: Here's an excellent question:

paxnfacto: How does an adult male, who has had to struggle all his life to maintain some interpersonally developed sense of himself and his GOOD place amongst his family and society, finally come out and spill the beans, as it were, without shattering the very foundations of that sense of self and his place in both this society and his so-called family?

Dr. Gartner: It sounds like that sense of self had to come through covering up a terrible secret, so I wonder how solid it could be. Every case is different, of course, and I am not saying that every family in which abuse took place needs to dissolve. In fact, it is indeed very difficult to accuse, say a parent, of abuse and split the whole family if some believe you and some do not. I think that, in some way, the abuse has to be recognized, at least privately, for that sense of self to be solid.

TFlynn: Do you really think that he would turn to another adult for help. I think it's just the beginning of a long reign of isolation and the beginnings of self-abuse. How can you break that cycle of victimization? Don't many males go from being abused to abusing themselves through various substances like drugs or alcohol?

Dr. Gartner: Yes they do. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, overeating, overspending, and sexual compulsion are all things that men may turn to when they need to sooth the tremendous pain they feel. Often when men come to me it is because they finally realized that they were killing themselves through such self-abuse.

I'd like to speak also of the fear of becoming an abuser.

David: Please, go ahead. I think that's a common fear.

Dr. Gartner: The conventional wisdom is that boys who are abused become men who are abusive, but the overwhelming majority do not. Although it is true that most abusers were themselves abused, they are the ones who turned to that hyper-masculine way of living, in which you act out your feelings rather than reflect on them. The fear that people will think you are an abuser, or the fear that you will become one, is another reason men are reluctant to speak of their histories.

David: I'm wondering if the anger or rage that might build up from not being treated, from having to cope with all those difficult feelings internally, might lead the person to become physically or emotionally abusive?

Dr. Gartner: Well, yes, that is what I was referring to -- these are the men who are living in pressure cookers. Also, we often imitate the behaviors we grew up with, so even if we do not become physically or sexually abusive, there may be a tendency either to become exploitative oneself or to be easily exploited by others if someone is "trained" to be a victim.

I would also recommend that people look at the web site of the National Organization on Male Sexual Victimization (NOMSV).

There will be a conference in New York in October that is open to survivors as well as to professionals. I am the Program Chair and I know it will be very exciting.

David: Are there any other seminars or retreats that you might recommend for our audience members to attend?

Dr. Gartner: NOMSV is planning to offer retreats in the future -- we did do one in California two years ago. I would say check the web site from time to time to see whether one is scheduled. Also, Mike Lew often does a summer weekend workshop.

David: Thank you, Dr. Gartner, for being our guest tonight and for sharing this information with us. And to those in the audience, thank you for coming and participating. I hope you found it helpful. We have a very large and active community here at HealthyPlace.com. You will always find people in the chatrooms and interacting with various sites.

Here's the link to the HealthyPlace.com Abuse Issues Community. You can click on this link, sign up for the mail list at the top of the page so you can keep up with events like this.

Also, if you found our site beneficial, I hope you'll pass our URL around to your friends, mail list buddies, and others. http://www.healthyplace.com

Dr. Gartner: Thank you for having me, and thanks to the people who listened and asked questions.

David: Thank you, again, Dr. Gartner. Good night, everyone.

Disclaimer: We are not recommending or endorsing any of the suggestions of our guest. In fact, we strongly encourage you to talk over any therapies, remedies or suggestions with your doctor BEFORE you implement them or make any changes in your treatment.

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