My Self-Injury Experience - My Experience

David: Janay, here is the next question:

MansonNails: I'd like to know what it was about the therapists Janay didn't like and how could they have acted differently that perhaps may have gotten Janay to be helped more by them?

Janay: Well, basically they would tell my mom the majority of the things I said and they would tell me how I felt when no one but me knows how I feel. I resented that. I had (still have?) a bad ass attitude and if I decided I didn't like someone initially, that was just it. They were too condecending towards me. I didn't want to be treated like a two year old.

Marquea: What things are you doing now to keep you from Self Injury?

Janay: I work and I go to ROP. It's like job training. It's in a daycare. I can't be around the kids with fresh wounds. As it is, they see my scars. They finger them. They say "Miss Janay, what happened?" They say "Miss Janay has a lot of owies." It makes me want to cry. If only for them, I can't do it. They don't need to be exposed to that.

I'm determined to be functional - work. I have scars, deep ones, all over my left arm that will never go away. Employers don't want to hire someone with tons of scars. I have enough; I don't need to make new ones. People talk, anyway. People ask, they're nosy.

cassiana1975: Have you taken meds in order to stop SI-ing?

Janay: I used to. Not for the SI though, for depression and stuff. I stopped because they made me either incredibly nervous to where I was shaking constantly or they made me gain weight and worsened my eating habits. I don't take meds anymore, and I'm fine.

David: A few site notes here and then we'll continue with more questions:

If you haven't been on the main HealthyPlace.com site yet, I invite you to take a look. There are over 10,000 pages of content. And finally, here's the link to the HealthyPlace.com Self Injury Community. You can click on this link and sign up for the mail list at the top of the page so you can keep up with events like this.

David: Here are some more audience comments, then we'll get to the next question:

jjjamms: I kept my SI a secret for over 35 years. My earliest memory of SI was at 5 years old. I think it must be really hard on children or teenagers. I didn't even know other people did what I was doing until about 5 years ago!

loonee: I thought therapists weren't allowed to tell anything you said to them. Mine never did. I decided for myself to tell my mum. My shrink had nothing to do with that.

jess_d: Being in the hospital was the worst thing in the world for me. It did absolutely nothing. I also want to say that not all parents have the same reaction as Janay's mom. My parents got me help and supported me completely in my struggle to stop and still support me even when I have relapses.

hurtin: I changed to a therapist that I can talk to about any aspect of my self injuring without them trying to save me. That helps immeasurably. I am currently dealing with sporadic bouts, rather than it being a daily ritual.

David: Here's the next question:

loonee: Janay, did you find that hearing of the experiences and methods of others triggered you to injure more?

Janay: Not really. It makes me sad, and I want to help them. It doesn't trigger me unless I am unstable at the time and wanting to cut already.

rekowall: How do you keep from cutting when the need becomes unbearable?

Janay: I think of the kids. I'm going to be a preschool teacher. It isn't something a teacher does. Or I cry and hyperventilate ( a lot), but afterwards I'm exhausted and I fall asleep.

space715: Hospitalization has been suggested to me if I can't keep from SI-ing. What do you do in the hospital?

Janay: For me, the hospital is a bunch of BS. I've heard people say it was positive for them though. Basically, you wake up at 6 a.m., have morning group, breakfast, shower and have about a million more groups all day; like anger management, drug and alcohol group, affirmation, occupational therapy, etc. Things that cover the "issues" of the majority of patients along with a 5 minute daily meeting with a psychitrist who puts you on meds. You'll see this person maybe a total of 20-30 minutes your whole stay.

David: Here's an audience suggestion on how to keep from cutting when you feel the need to:

KarinAnne: I've used rubber bands (to snap on my wrist) at times, but it's been 2 weeks and tension mounts when I don't take things out on myself.

David: Janay, I have a question, and I want to add here that I am not putting you down, but I'm wondering if you felt if you just weren't ready for treatment. We had a guest recently who said, if you are not ready for treatment, there's nothing in the world anyone can do to help.

Janay: I wasn't ready for treatment. I had nothing else to hold onto. They were trying to take away my coping methods without replacing them with ones I found were adequate replacements.

MellyNCo: It sounds like past therapists were violating Janay's confidentiality, and the resentment is understandable. However, I'd like to ask Janay, if you stop injuring for other people, instead of yourself, does that also stir up resentment?

Janay: It depends on the person. To be honest, I wouldn't do it for myself. I hate myself, which is something I'm still trying to get over. If I love a person, I'd do anything for them. It doesn't make me resent them because I love them. I don't know - it's different. I need that motivation from another person.