Emotionally Abused Women - Abused Women

David: Beverly's website is here: http://www.beverlyengel.com

Her book, Emotionally Abused Women, can be purchased by clicking on the link.

Beverly also has a companion book entitled Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Women which lets you know that you are not out there alone and is designed to lift your spirits and focus on positive growth.

Here's the link to the HealthyPlace.com Abuse Issues Community. You can click on this link and sign up for the mail list at the top of the page, so you can keep up with events like this.

If you haven't been on the main HealthyPlace.com site yet, I invite you to take a look. There's over 9000 pages of content.

We have a lot of questions, here's the next one:

Betsyj: What if, in a marriage, the abuse was going both ways from both partners and now, as I am separated on my way to divorce, I feel like I nitpick everyone I meet?

Beverly Engel: This is a very common problem. I am glad you are aware of your nit picking because now you can begin to change. I suggest you look at the following possibilities:

1. Have you become involved with someone who is rather passive and have in essence, turned the tables and are now the dominant person in the relationship?
2. Do you have a great deal of anger left over from the previous relationship that you are now taking out on your current partner?
3. Do you need more emotional and physical space from your partner than you are getting - are you feeling smothered? Sometimes we nitpick so we will start a fight and gain some distance.

GreenYellow4Ever: How can we help women (maybe our own mothers or sisters) if we see that they are being emotionally abused?

Beverly Engel: Good question, GreenYellow. While they might not be completely receptive to it, I suggest you tell them directly if you think they are being emotionally abused. Explain what emotional abuse is since many people don't really understand it, then offer support.

David: We've been talking about emotional abuse at home or in personal relationships. Here's a workplace question, Beverly:

rikki: How would you handle emotional abuse in the workplace?

Beverly Engel: It is difficult since you certainly can't confront a boss or manager very easily, not without risking your job, that is. But if the emotional abuse is severe enough, there are steps you can take, such as making a complaint to personnel or employee relations. In most situations, however, you need to remind yourself that this person has problems and that what he or she is saying to you is not true.

The primary reason why emotional abuse is so effective is that we tend to buy into what the other person is saying and start to doubt ourselves. Get some outside support so this doesn't happen. Talk about the problem with friends so you can get some feedback.

If you are being emotionally abused by a coworker, you can stand up for yourself without risking your job. Simply tell the person that you don't appreciate what was said or that you found their behavior offensive or hurtful. You can add that you assume they didn't mean to hurt you but you would appreciate it if they would stop. This way they won't tend to become as defensive.

The bottom line is - if the emotional abuse is severe, you may need to leave the job rather than allow it to damage you emotionally. No job is worth that.

David: And if it's your boss or manager, and you address the issue, I'm assuming that you would advise the person to have a "plan B" and keep in mind they may have to start looking for another job.

Beverly Engel: Yes. Most bosses who are emotionally abusive are not about to stop simply because you stand up for yourself. In fact, they may increase the abuse. So yes, know that you may need to seek another job.

chinchillahug: I was emotionally abused by a trusted church pastor. He became very controlling. Now, even 3 years after that relationship ended, I'm still plagued with anger and distrust. I am wary of male authority. I've been in therapy but I can't shake the anger. It poisons my being.

Beverly Engel: Are you still in therapy? If not, I suggest you go back into it. You didn't say how your pastor abused you. Was there a sexual relationship? Were you working for him?

chinchillahug: Emotionally abuse, no sexual.

Beverly Engel: I also suggest you discover who your original abuser was. Some of your anger may actually be at this person in addition to the pastor.

David: I know it's getting late. Thank you, Beverly, for being our guest tonight and for sharing this information with us. And to those in the audience, thank you for coming and participating. I hope you found it helpful.

Also, if you found our site beneficial, I hope you'll pass our URL around to your friends, mail list buddies, and others. http://www.healthyplace.com

Thank you again, Beverly.

Beverly Engel: Thank you for the opportunity to connect with your audience.

David: Good night everyone and I hope you have a pleasant weekend.

Disclaimer: We are not recommending or endorsing any of the suggestions of our guest. In fact, we strongly encourage you to talk over any therapies, remedies or suggestions with your doctor BEFORE you implement them or make any changes in your treatment.

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