Anger Management - Abusive Relationships

Dr. Rhoades: You have to count the cost in abusive relationships. It usually isn't true that a parent or sibling will forever cut you off, even if they threaten you that they will do so. The very fact that he has to threaten you implies that he lacks control of you and has to threaten you to maintain that control. I would tend to encourage you to give honor to your father, but not to allow him to hurt you as he has in the past. It would be important to set more healthy boundaries with your father and others that would tend to harm you. You may need to let your dad know that you want a relationship with him, but one that is mutually beneficial, not damaging.

MissPeabody: Yes that's the kind of person I want to know about. Is it uncontrollable rage when a person who is sick and twisted gets off on toying with you and no matter how you address it, they act like you are the problem?

Dr. Rhoades: It is typically a person that does not like to take personal responsibility for problems in their lives and/or the problems that they cause in other's lives. Anger is often used as a shield to cover fear underneath. Show me an angry person and you will often show me a fearful person. The anger is used as a shield to keep people at a distance. If I let you in too close, you will see my insecurities and weaknesses. It does not take a strong person to control others with anger, but a fearful person that uses anger to manipulate others. This is not always the case, but I have seen it quite often. The challenge is to not allow the angry controlling person push us to react in similar ways, leading us to react in similar manners.

Zippity: Is there another alternative to the previously mentioned methods to deal with the rage when those have been already tried, and it still doesn't decrease the level of rage? I've been taking time-outs from my anger all my life, and that has led to increased rage. So how do time-outs ultimately help? Is it possible this way doesn't work for everyone?

Dr. Rhoades: You may need to find other ways to decrease the energy of your rages or anger, so that you can think more clearly. Rage often overwhelms us to the point that we say and do things that we later regret. Some have used tranquilizers to lower their tension levels to help control anger. I see this as only a temporary solution. You may need to find the areas in your life that increase tension, and then work on lowering tension to gain more self-control. Anger is seen as bodily tension plus a view of the world as either frustrating, irritating, insulting, assaulting and/or unfair. Should our lives be stress-filled, we are already primed for anger. When this is apparent, we need to lower the stress in our lives.

David: Here are a few audience comments about what's been said tonight, then I want to address the issue of forgiveness and closure.

bellissima: I have a boss who is trying to manipulate me and controlling me so I don't express my ideas or opinions to her boss. I am tired of her games and I want people to hear my ideas because they are good, she is afraid I will take her job.

nkr: I have always handled myself well until my husband and I get into such a rage. I just want to die.

Chunky: I let things build up too long, then when I try to approach problem solving, I am afraid of "losing control".

suncletewoof: At times, I feel like I'll explode and kill everyone around me, though I've kept my rage intact. I have explosive rage that never comes out except when I am in the hospital.

David: Earlier, Dr. Rhoades, you said that forgiveness and closure were key to resolving or lowering your anger level. If only it were that easy to "forgive and forget." I'd like to know how do you get to that point?

Dr. Rhoades: "Forgive and forget" is a popular phrase, but we humans don't typically forget. The issues can fade though when we have done our parts to find closure on issues. The steps to forgive are about five and are a mirror image of saying that we are sorry as well. It is important to first note that forgiveness does not mean that what the other person did was okay. Forgiveness or closure is a letting go of or a not allowing the situation or the person to hurt us any longer. Forgiveness also does not imply that we have the same level of trust with the person that harmed us. Forgiveness happens one moment in time, trust has to be earned. Thus closure or forgiveness involves a letting go that basically benefits the giver of the forgiveness. The steps for forgiveness are:

1. Determine what hurt you.
2. Determine what you need to close the door or to let go of the anger and hurt.
3. A confrontation with the situation or person that hurt you. It is important though to look at the costs and benefits of a confrontation. Sometimes a confrontation may not be beneficial as the person may deny the hurt or even re-abuse us. You may want to write out your confrontation, mail it, not mail it, burn it, but get it out of yourself. Another way perhaps is to talk it out with another trusted person, should the actual person of the hurt be too risky.
4. Determine to forgive or let go of the situation.
5. Maintain the decision to let go of the hurt and anger. Relationships are made or broken on the ability to forgive and to say that we are sorry. This is why forgiveness or closure is so important to those relationships that we want to maintain.

David: I'm getting a lot of audience responses about forgiveness, essentially saying they keep forgiving because the offending person keeps offending. But what you said above was forgiveness or closure doesn't mean you have to KEEP ALLOWING the other person to keep hurting you.

megan s: You can only say and hear you're sorry so many times through. The person keeps doing it and I keep letting them even though I tell my husband over-and-over again not to. I tell him that it hurts me when he does this or that and so I should leave-- but I have four kids and have been a stay at home mother for 10 years. I confront my husband on it all and he continues his behavior. You make it sound so easy but it's not when there are children involved.

Dr. Rhoades: That is correct, to forgive is to not say their behavior was okay or that you trust them. You may need to do what is necessary for your safety and that of others dependent on you. What we are addressing is a letting go so that you are not trapped by your own hurt and anger. Sometimes we hold on to our anger as we are so hurt by the other's actions. We have to be careful that in holding on to our anger, we may in fact be further harming ourselves and our children. I am not trying to imply that it is easy, but it is necessary to not be trapped by the past. The issue is to address the issues that we can, and at some point we need to move on and not be trapped by the past. This does not mean that person that harmed us should have no consequences. You may still chose to not be around an abusive person, but don't allow that abusive person to still control you long distance, though held one-to anger within us for past hurts.

Zippity: Does that include breaking relations permanently with those who have harmed us, if that is the only way to achieve closure?

Dr. Rhoades: I would never recommend that a person break off a relationship permanently. That would be the individual choice of persons involved. It is important to personally look at what cost or consequences of maintaining the relationship will have on you and your loved ones.

David: Thank you, Dr. Rhoades, for being our guest tonight and for sharing this information with us. And to those in the audience, thank you for coming and participating. I hope you found it helpful. We have a very large and active community here at HealthyPlace.com. Also, if you found our site beneficial, I hope you'll pass our URL around to your friends, mail list buddies, and others. http://www.healthyplace.com. Dr. Rhoades website is here. Thank you, again, Dr. Rhoades for coming and staying late tonight. We appreciate it.

Dr. Rhoades: Good night to all the participants in the chat on anger management. I enjoyed interacting with all of you. Aloha from Hawaii!

Disclaimer: We are not recommending or endorsing any of the suggestions of our guest. In fact, we strongly encourage you to talk over any therapies, remedies or suggestions with your doctor BEFORE you implement them or make any changes in your treatment.

back to: Abuse Conference Transcripts ~ Other Conferences Index ~ Abuse Home