What It Means to Me to Be Multiple

At the same time, I try not to reify my mental map of what is inside, and the parts haven't been willing to be identified too clearly or to have/tell names. So when the system of parts was suddenly completely reorganized (they seem to cover the same ground, but combined differently), so be it--I'm not locked in a model that I have other people inside named Lisa, Linda, and Laura (for the moment, says Linda). And in fact, the larger issue for me right now is not the times when I switch completely into a cut-off part of myself and that voice speaks, but rather the times (often lasting a day or two) when I am 20% my rational self on top of 80% made up of the feelings that come from the past (that I feel as feelings about the present situation even though they don't actually fit the present situation).

I'm gradually learning that I don't get anywhere by trying to convince myself that my feelings are wrong (even though they are in respect to the present situation). Instead, I have to tell that part of myself that she has the right to her feelings, and perhaps then try to understand where those feelings really come from.

I feel like a different "person" inside, but most of the people I interact with don't see a change at this point. My competent surface has not changed in public (in fact my work seems to be going better and better, though I'm still not getting everything done). We shall see how keeping the surface unchanged works out--I feel a certain amount of stress about it right now. In particular, having to keep my multiple personalities a secret just feels like another shameful secret, and those parts of myself feel like they are still isolated and cut off because they are only allowed out in therapy and in certain internet groups and when I am alone. Hopefully I can learn to use their strengths and their feelings as part of the way I present myself to the world without switching modes in a blatant way. I have an impulse at present to refuse to be in the closet, but I am trying not to do anything irrevocable until things are better worked through.

next: Multiple Personalities vs. Inner Child