The next session I spoke further of the things that I am most ashamed of: Times when I have done harm unintentionally. I even told some specific thoughts I have of hurting my children sexually. I was hysterical with shame, wanting to go away and not contaminate my kids and my T with the repulsiveness that is me.

My T said everyone has such thoughts, but that it is much scarier for me because I have experienced the reality when I was abused. My sense of shame about these thoughts is so deep and overwhelming that I can't believe that everyone has such thoughts. Maybe in passing, but not as it is for me, knowing that I could do it, knowing that I am like the people who hurt me. I know that what matters on the outside is that I haven't done it, that I don't act on those thoughts. I do value protecting my kids more than anything else, but I feel that while I do what is right on the outside, the real me is unacceptable.

I learned a lot about my abusers from listening to that part of me who wants to abuse. When I was speaking those feelings, I said that only if I became an abuser myself would I cease to be the victim, cease to live in fear. When I moved out of those feelings and reacted against them, I said that I was willing to be weak and in pain forever, rather than be strong, if being strong meant abusing my children. Clearly, the part of me who currently has the feelings of wanting to abuse holds a key part of my strength, and I must find a way to claim that strength without becoming an abuser.

I don't know what I need. I want to know that I am not alone, that people will not turn away from me in disgust. And yet when people tell me I am not so bad, I don't believe them. I guess it comes down to somehow finding a way to accept even that as part of myself. Writing this and making it a part of my page is a step in that direction.

next: My Mother and Me