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Page 1 of 3 Indeed, I have been wicked from my birth, a sinner from my mother's womb.
Psalm 51 verse 6
I am little, and I just want to hide so no one will see how bad I am. I want to destroy anyone who thinks they are good. Hurts too much when it turns out not to be true. I can feel the badness when I was a baby--need need need need.
My big one has been happy because she believes she is learning to trust the insiders. And she was proud of me for talking and for knowing that I have the right to my feelings. But I don't think she really understands how black it is here. Or maybe I am scared she isn't trying to rescue me anymore (tell me that I am not bad), even though I don't want to be rescued. Even I am scared of looking at all the bad stuff. I don't want to remember. But I know it was bad because I am bad.
This is an edited transcript of a conversation I had on chat. We hope doesn't mind us using her words. We are no longer in contact with her so we have tried really hard to make it anonymous:
me baad
bad inside or outside?
me bad everywhere
somebody make you feel bad, m?
me born bad
I felt that real bad Wed. because of ch*rch
i don't think you're bad, m.
:(
one thing that helped me was to feel that the one who is full of shame has the right to her feelings too. can you find something that accepts you, m, like the rain or the sun?
:(
m, you have helped me. I wasn't listening to the one inside me who feels she was born bad. But she hears you, and now I need to listen to her.
dos she hear me???
I'm going to try to let her talk, but I'm going to stop and write it in a safer place if it is too much.
*** pam_in_SC is now known as pam-shame
hihi :( you feel bad too?
the blackness is so thick
:(
"I am a sinner from my mothers womb"--that was just what I feel but the big one said there was space for me! how old are you?
me 14
we have one who is 17 who feels bad, and she want to do bad things.
there is space for everyone pam-shame...m...even if you feel bad...
I am littler, and I just want to hide so no one will see. I started to write that I am old enough to know better, and that made me mad--who told me that? do you want to do bad things, m?
somtimes wanna prove how bad me be. hate it when people tell me me not bad cause they lyin.
I wish we could run away together
other people inside body want me go away anyway
it is hard for them, but you deserve space too. sometime you might want to read what Pam-Map wrote about wanting to be bad.
no me don. me wanna run away an they want me run away
but you are here. has your big one told anyone about you? you are important.
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