Relationships: The Principle of Personal Responsibility

Written by Holli Marshall

I am responsible for the outcome of all interactions: If you are dissatisfied with how people are treating you, only you can make the necessary changes in your behavior for the outcome to change. You are the only one who knows what you want. And remember that it's in your interest, and not necessarily the other person's, that things change.

If one strategy doesn't work to meet my needs or solve a problem, there is absolutely no point in blaming: It's your responsibility to keep trying new strategies until something does work for you. (This doesn't mean that you keep trying to get the other person to change, only that you focus on your response and reaction to come up with a solution for yourself).

The appropriate question is not "who is responsible for my pain?", but rather "what can I do about it?"
The amount of support, appreciation, and help you are getting is all you can get given the current strategies you are using. Realizing that no one will willingly give you more than you now receive if you continue your current methods, are there other methods you can try?

I can't expect other people to change or be different. They are using the best problem-solving strategies available to them at the moment. These strategies may be painful to you or they may frustrate your needs, but they represent the other person's best coping solution given his or her stresses, skills and available resources. The other person will only change with their perception that a new behavior is in his or her best interests.

Choose not to be a victim. Although you may have been victimized in the past, you can decide to take whatever control you can over the shape of your life.

Adapted from McKay, Matthew et al,. "When Anger Hurts, Quieting the Storm Within", 1989, New Harbinger Publications, California

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