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Tori Amos on Being a Rape Survivor

SHANNON I remember just clinging to the metal on the bed and looking out the window and feeling like I was dying. Then he finished, and he patted me on my head. And he told me not to worry, he didn't think I was old enough to get pregnant anyway and walked out the door. I got up and took a shower. And it all settled in while I was taking that shower, the realization that I was never going to be the same person. And standing in there, just turning it on as hot as it would go, because I thought I must be a dirty, horrible person if this happened to me. And I was trying to wash it away. But it wouldn't go away. And when I couldn't wash it away, I decided to sort of put it away.

TORI AMOS (singing) I've got something to say, I know, but nothing comes.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Rape is a recurring theme in many of Tori Amos's songs. This song, Silent All These Years, underlines the feeling victims have of being boxed in by their silence. It is a common symptom, says therapist Alison Clement (ph).

ALISON CLEMENT, THERAPIST There are a number of survivors that don't come forward for a very long time. Some never come forward. It's not impossible for a survivor to put in the back of their mind and make like it never happened.

TORI AMOS I didn't really ever talk about this. I didn't deal with it. Girlfriends were coming up to me saying, “You need a therapist. You need a shrink. I'm not going to talk to you anymore.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (on camera) Why didn't you deal with it?

TORI AMOS I think on a lot of levels, there's a real embarrassment and shame to any kind of invasion on that level. (singing) Silent all these years.

KELLIE GREENE Sexual assault, you have the word “sex attached to it. It's a personal experience, and nobody talks about it.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Kellie Greene was raped five years ago when a man entered her unlocked apartment.

KELLIE GREENE He rushed around the corner, smashed me in the head with my tea kettle. And I remember feeling the the wetness pouring down me. And I thought that it was water, but then I realized it was my own blood.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) After the man had beaten and sexually assaulted her, he got up and walked out.

KELLIE GREENE And as I laid there, half-naked, bleeding, I remember catching a glimpse of someone in the mirror, and it was me. But I didn't recognize myself. And I was amazed at how this person could have so much a lack of respect for human life to do that.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Kellie tried to resume a normal life but began losing confidence, couldn't make decisions. She isolated herself. Both she and Shannon pushed away the memories of their experiences.

SHANNON I spent four years pretending like it didn't happen. I couldn't take it anymore. And I was depressed for no reason.

KELLIE GREENE You lose your trust. You become fearful. You feel trapped in your house.

SHANNON I was sitting in my room, thinking of ways that I could kill myself.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) A friend gave Shannon Tori Amos's Little Earthquakes CD. The song Me And A Gun served as Shannon's trigger.

SHANNON It was like I instantly knew exactly what she was talking about, and I locked my door and I put the song on repeat, and I just sat on the floor and just absolutely sobbed. It was just so amazing to suddenly feel like, “I'm not all alone, and this is normal to be feeling this way.

KELLIE GREENE She's been able to come forward and say that it happened to her and she doesn't show embarrassment. She doesn't show shame. She just shows strength.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Tori's amazement at how survivors were connecting with her songs began to turn to alarm when at a concert, a young girl collapsed, overcome with emotion. The girl was brought backstage.

TORI AMOS I just said, “So what's going on with you? And she said, “I want to come and join the tour. I said, “What's so bad that you want to do that, like now? And she said, “Because my stepfather raped me last night. He'll rape me tomorrow night, and he's going to rape me tonight when I get home.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Tori came to the realization that she was in over her head. These girls needed professional help, and she was not equipped to provide it. It was at this point that she cofounded RAINN. It was the first ever national hot line linking victims of rape and incest with professional counselors 24 hours a day.

TORI AMOS (TV COMMERCIAL FOR RAINN) In the time it takes you to brush your teeth, one woman in America is forcibly raped. Unlock the silence.

ALISON CLEMENT Talking about it is a very important step in the healing process. I believe that it helps a survivor move from victim to survivor.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Since its inception four years ago, RAINN has been receiving an average of 4,000 calls a month.

ALISON CLEMENT Because the very best a survivor can do is say this happened to me. I'm alive. I'm OK. I made it through it, and here I am today.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) One of those calls came from Kellie Green. She began getting counseling and working as a RAINN volunteer.

SPEAKER Please join me in welcoming women's rights defender and advocate, Kellie Green.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Just as Tori used her own experience to help others, Kellie began reaching out as well. She now speaks at colleges and most recently at this human rights conference.



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Last Updated( May 04, 2009 )
reviewed by: Harry Croft, MD
Psychiatrist, HealthyPlace.com Medical Director
 

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