My life was hell

I stopped eating and used food as a weapon against myself. I would feel good if I could make it through an entire day without eating. I became dangerously thin and at times I would make myself throw up because I felt guilty about the food I had eaten that day. Again, I didn't know that what was going on with me had a name - anorexia - nor did I know that many survivors of sexual violence develop eating disorders in an attempt to control something in their life, or to punish themselves because they believe what has happened to them was their fault.

By the time 11th grade came, I was miserable, thin and running out of reasons to live. At the end of 11th grade I caught mono, and because I was so weak, my body couldn't fight the disease. I ended up in the hospital and missed two months of school.

During the summer before my senior year, my best friend (who had moved to Virginia one year before) asked me if I wanted to spend my senior year in Virginia and stay with her family. I decided that it was a good opportunity - they had a bigger school system, I would be able to meet many new people and experience new things and I wouldn't be known as a slut.

Although I missed my family, I believe the year I spent in Virginia saved me. I began eating again. I was much happier and at the end of the year, I met my boyfriend. The first night we went out, I ended up telling him that I had been raped (I had told no one before this) and crying in his arms. He has been with me on every step of my healing and I owe so much to him. He has a section on this site (it's called Marcus' section and it's on the family and friends' page) about what it's like to be the partner of a survivor.

Healing

When I went to college, I began my healing. I started by writing down all of my feelings in a journal and talking to other survivors on the internet.

I also bought a book, After Silence: Rape and My Journey Back by Nancy Venable Rainn, and began reading about her story. I also started my online journal. My next step was to find help at my college. I contacted a member of the sexual assault support group at my college, called "Safe Space," and began meeting with her. She took me to a clinic to get an HIV test (I was very afraid after the rape that I had contracted the AIDS virus), which was negative and she encouraged me to join the group, which I did this past spring.

In the fall of 1, I began training for Safe Space. I expected it to be very difficult, because I have a hard time talking about what happened to me. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, because I never actually had to counsel other survivors. My involvement ended with administrative tasks.

In the Spring of 2000 I transferred from Union College to a different college. I have joined the Rape Crisis Center here and will begin training with them in a few weeks. I will have more direct contact with survivors than I did with Safe Space, so I expect it to be harder, but I'm not worried. I feel strong enough right now to do it.

Healing no longer seems like an insurmountable task - it's just a difficult one, but I do feel better every time I chip away a piece of the barrier between the woman who was raped and the girl she was before.

I have survived another anniversary. Much has happened since I last wrote here. I went into therapy and dealt with many of the issues surrounding my rape. I think that I am finally beginning to heal from the rape itself, and it is only the aftermath that I have left to deal with.

I was thinking today about second grade, the year before they built the playground on which I was raped. We had an old playground with these two, identical metal structures, jungle gyms. One was for the girls and one was for the boys. Neither sex was allowed to enter the other's "safe zone."

One day at recess, I was playing on the swings, when this boy in my class came up to me and threatened me - I don't remember what he said, but I remember being afraid. It is my first real memory of being afraid of a boy. And what I remember most clearly is looking to the recess teacher, a woman, for help. She did nothing; in fact, it was like she was blind to what was happening. So I turned and ran as fast as I could to the girls' jungle gym. I climbed to the top, and then I was safe.

I think that what I need to deal with now is the feelings of betrayal I have for women in general. Why didn't the girls in my class stand up for me when I was being tormented by my classmates? Why do women dismiss rape victims as "whiney" or tell their survivor friends to "get over it?"

I am in a new stage of healing and a step closer to recovery.

REPLACE INTO: January 2004

It has been a long time since I REPLACE INTO this page. I am now in my second year in law school, and I am doing better than I could ever have imagined. I now connect with other rape and sexual assault survivors and try and help them.

I have been keeping an online journal for some time, which has been very helpful in my healing. You can start one too. Or, you can simply share your story with others.

next: My Journal: Being A Rape Survivor