He spent the walk back convincing me that he couldn't get in trouble with the law and telling me it wouldn't be a good idea to tell anyone ... and somehow trying to make me believe he cared. My friend and I were planning on staying up for the whole night, so I thought I'd tell her anyway, but she fell asleep. In those hours, somehow, I decided I'd rather be anything than a victim again. So I "became" an adulteress. I even ended up kind of sleeping with him later... long story. I was pregnant from the rape in the woods and we had this fake relationship. His wife even knew and she was going to leave so I could move in with him. It was so screwed up.

The night I lost the baby, I freaked out. I took ten or eleven of my sleeping pills. He ended up calling and did the only respectable thing he probably did the whole time we knew each other. He told me that I'd better go tell my mom right then. I did, and went to the ER. I was Baker Acted, a process I will forever hate. After the urge, I didn't want to anymore. I just needed help, not to be stripped of more dignity. I told them I tried to kill myself over school work and grades and pressure. They never even talked to me about my childhood abuse which was blatantly on the admittance form I'd had to fill out.

I met a guy who tried to save me. He did in a way, simply because I probably would have succeeded one of those times I tried ... but he was always there to stop me. And then he couldn't take it anymore and left me. I thought my whole world was gone. I got into therapy at a rape counseling place and saw this therapist to work on my anger management. Things started looking better. I then went to my college pre-orientation where I met my fiancé.

We immediately hit it off and even talked all night the first night we met. We stayed in my room and didn’t "do anything" and I told him a little bit. We started dating a week later and he went to that great course I mentioned that weekend. I was having a rough time of it because it was the anniversary of my rape. He talked to me about the course, and I've gone through twice and have gone back two other times to help. We've decided to go every time for the next year, a commitment that will be wonderful since this is the therapy that has worked best for me. I guess that's about it. My boyfriend proposed to me two weeks ago exactly today.

I'm scared to go back to school because I was miserable last year and I'm going absolutely nuts cause my employer has me looking up stuff cause he wants to offer a service to notify businesses that cater to children about sexual offenders in the area. It's too close to home and I just realized earlier that this is the second year anniversary this week. I guess that explains feeling so bad all of a sudden.

Well, I'm not sure if I'm ready for everyone to read this yet ... yeah, I guess I'd like them to because I really need some friends out there who know and understand and can possibly help me. Please write me. I need someone.

Kristi

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