Paige -
Comments - I did not fully recognize that I was abused by my ex-husband until I was going through a divorce. Like many people, the word abuse always conjured up images of black eyes and bruises to me. After being married for ten years to a husband who was manipulative, financially controlling, unfaithful and then villifying, I was depressed, disorganised, lacking in self esteem, and feeling very gulity. My ex-husband would coerce me into having sex when I did not want to - my alternative was usually being kept awake and badgered with arguments until my head was spinning and I would say anything to get to sleep. To anyone who has not had someone intentionally deprive you of sleep, I'm sure that this wouldn't sound so horrible, but it was. We owned a business together, from which I never saw cash. He would keep the cash receipts in his wallet, stuff his wallet under his side of the bed at night and remove it to his pocket in the morning. He said that he did this because I was reckless with money - I wore tattered clothes and spent money only on taking care of my family, I never spent money on myself. I started to withdraw to the point where I felt that I was no longer really there for my children. As I withdrew, the criticisms grew fiercer - he started to try to psychoanalize me. At one point he had decided that I was autistic! The more I was criticized, the more responsibility I took on. I was running two of my own businesses and working from pre-dawn to after midnight every day. Because the situation did not happen over night, I had become inured to it all until I was able to step away from the situation when I separated from my husband. What I saw when I took a look back scared me. He scared me. After we separated he started stalking me. He would come into my house when I was not there. On one occasion he stole a check from my check book, on another he stole a great deal of cash. He spied on me, which is something that he also did while we were married, (I believe it was another way of taking control from me). He accosted me in public, screaming obscenities at me. He would pursue me and incite an argument with me - I would be unprepared, terrified, and enraged; on one occasion I did hit him, but I felt that I was defending myself. He later used that against me to say that I was the abusive party. When I went to my lawyer to pursue the divorce I was more concerned with getting away from him than I was with really protecting myself, my children (I had this idea that he was, although a jerk to me, a ggod father) and our future. My lawyer did not recognise that I was under duress and not making sound decisions. I made decisions that are still affecting us today. I gave my ex-husband partial custody of the children, and agreed to pay for half of everything. I gave him the house, and took a cash settlement (from which $25,000 was stolen). Almost three years later I am still struggling. I still have to face his manipulative behavior. I feel helpless, and I believe that my children are suffering because of decisions that I made. My ex-husband receives rent from the property that we had owned together that exceeds my current monthly income. Meanwhile, I am paying rent and struggling every month to make ends meet. When I tried to get child support from him, his lawyer used financial figures that my ex-husband had given him, (which were very loosely footed in reality), to make me out to be a spend crazy, irresponsible and therefore uncaring parent. I never contacted the police or even made any accusations about the money that was missing from my house because I was afraid, (I certain that he had stolen the money), so I was unable to defend myself. At the time that the theft occured I was trying to weigh the damage that would be caused to my children if the situation escalated if I accused their father, against the damage that had been done to me. I was also aware that I was not supposed to have that much money in cash - so what would I have said to the police anyway? I live in an area where the public schools are not very good at all - we usually have the lowest standardized test scores under the American flag. The private schools are very expensive and I would have trouble affording even the cheapest of them. My children's father is driving a new car, and is talking to friends of mine about investing in very expensive commercial property. Meanwhile, I am scraping together enough to keep us fed, clothed, and housed. My ex-husband is saying that he cannot afford to pay the kids' tuition by himself. I did sign agreement to pay for half the tuition, but the reality is that it is not possible. My ex-husband knows this and is now trying to ruin me financially by forcing me to keep the agreement. I am going to try to force him back into mediation to ammend our agreement, but I am not very confident that I will see a fair outcome. I am also concerned about my children's physical well being when they are at their father's. I went to a local family couselling center and was told that it is unlikely that I will be able to get custody of my children. Apparently the courts see a change in custody as usurping parental rights. I can't communicate with my ex-husband. I've tried everything from being firm to being pollyanna. I am concerned for their welfare when they are with their father. When I pick them up from there they are unkempt and exhausted, and they having problems socially and academically. I don't think that being split between two homes mid-school week has been good for them. Their father is not often home and the children are being left either alone or with a not very reputable woman that my ex-husband refers to as "the kids' nanny". When I talk to people about the problems that I have had, sometimes I feel like I am crazy. It isn't possible that anyone would behave this way to another person, or use their children as a weapon. Even now, when I am free of the daily abuse and only having to deal with the residual effects, I need to have affirmation that I'm okay. This really did happen and I am not blowing it out of proportion. It happens to people every day. Recently, a woman with whom I work confided in me that her husband was abusing her. I told her my story, and I was amazed at myself for the good advice that I gave her. I wish that there had been someone there for me when I needed to be told the same things. I gave her a place to stay, and told her not to act or react until she felt that she was safe. I am going to be struggling with these issues for a long time. But, I lived through ten years of degradation and abuse. I'm strong and I'm a good person. My children have a difficult path ahead of them as well. When they get to an age where they start to challenge their father they will probably confront a lot of the same behaviors that I did. I am trying to teach them to be independant and self assured. I think that they are learning right from wrong and they know that they have a safe home with me. When the time comes, I want them to be able to protect themselves. If I could change one thing in my history it would not be to delete the ten years that I was married, but rather to delete the rash decision that I made in regard to custody of my children. I am healing, but now I have to watch them suffer.

pat -
Comments - I HAVE A HUSBAND THAT CALLS ME NAMES AND HE GETS MAD WHEN I TELL HIM TO QUIET POKING ME IN THE REAR END WITH A KIFE HE SAYS I AM JUST PLAYING BUT IT DOES NOT FEEL VERY GOOD SO THEN HE CALLS ME A BITCH AND A HOLE SO WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THAT? THANK YOU PATSY

leah freeman -
Comments - I am twenty-nine years old and was married to an abuser for seven years. The abuse started while we were dating and carried over into our marriage. I was broken down emotionally by him and my self esteem was so low that I allowed him to ridicule me, beat me, rape me and he even brought me to the point of anorexia through all of his mental abuse. I weighed 148 when we got married and by the time I left him I weighed barely 100 lbs. He would make up songs about my weight, "fattie-fattie-boom-ba-laddie" was one of them and he would encourage my son to join in and sing with him. It was a nightmare!!! The final straw for me was when Rob and I had been in our bedroom fighting for over an hour when I looked over my shoulder and saw my seven year old son huddeled over in a fetal position up against our bedroom wall, he had heard everything and was pale as a ghost. It was at that time that I realized I had to get the hell out, if not for myself for at least my Tyler. Bless his heart he was always trying to protect me and a lightbulb went off that day that I didn't care what it took I was going to give my son a normal childhood! So, I started planning my leave, with the help of two friends, I left almost everything material with my ex, but I took my life back. I filed a restraining order, filed for divorce, and fought in court for primary residency, along with putting myself and Tyler in free counseling services, and used a student loan to buy furniture and pay rent, since I had nothing. One year later I am Leah again, not a victim but a person! I won't lie and say it is easy because leaving was the most difficult thing I had ever done, but I gave my son a chance in life and I know for that I am proud of myself and I know he will be forever graeful.