That roommate was only one of several people that have known about my self injury. A few I told willingly. Others found out on their own. Of all the people that have known, Angela and Kelly by far handled it the best. They were my best friends in college and they probably know more about me than anyone, second only to my boyfriend. When I told them that I cut myself, they didn't panic or refuse to see me again. Instead, they went to the library and printed out as much information as they could get off of the internet. This was when I realized that I didn't have to deal with it all alone. Not only did other people have the same problem, but I had friends that were willing to learn about it by my side.

Why Ren Cuts

in her own words

I cut because cutting makes me feel strong and in control when emotions make me feel weak and vulnerable. It's a way to punish myself for getting emotional. It's a way to distract myself from things. It's a way to prove to myself that I am strong when things make me feel weak and vulnerable. I think that if pain and blood don't bother me, then that makes me strong, and I want to be strong more than anything else. It's a way of getting myself accustomed to the pain. It may hurt, but I need to know that I can take it, because I want to be tough and self-sufficient and in control. Those are all reasons that I self injure. I don't want people to know that I cut myself intentionally; that's the last thing that I want people to know about me, but sometimes I want people to see the cuts, to see the scars. It makes me think that that's how I can show people how strong I am. And that makes me feel guilty, because that's asking for attention in a way, and I shouldn't have to do that. Also along the lines of people seeing the results of my self injury, sometimes I want people to notice, so that they'll worry.

Before you start thinking that I'm nothing but a manipulative self-centered attention-seeker, lemme finish. I hate guilt, and nothing makes me feel guiltier than knowing that someone is worried about me, especially if its someone that I love and care about. I don't want people to worry about me. How am I? I'm fine. I'm always fine, but there's a part of me way in the back of my mind somewhere that equates worrying with caring. Logically, I know that the two don't have to go hand in hand. You can care without worrying, but I can't tell someone that I'm not fine, because then I'll feel bad for whining and complaining. But if I cut myself, let's call it an accident because as far as anyone is concerned that's what it is, then people can see that something is wrong without me telling them anything. It's not what's really wrong. It's not what I want them to worry about, but at least if they notice, and say something, then I know that they care. It's a twisted way of thinking, I realize that, but I don't know quite how to change it.

And I guess I cut sometimes because I hate myself, or I hate the way I feel and act.

Self injury is an addiction, and like other addictions, sometimes I do it for no good reason at all. There's no specific trigger, I just want to and I can't think about anything else until I do. More and more often, I can't pinpoint my reasons for cutting except to say that I felt like I had to do it. This is scariest for me because its more random, less in control, less easy to explain.

Visit Ren's webpage here.

Go back to the "Experiences" Page.