This is very difficult for me to write. I'm not even sure how to begin. I am a 33 year old female adoptee with two teenage sons who my parents are raising. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 9 years old and have been cutting semi-regularly since I was about 12. I have cut deep enough to require stitches twice, but looking back on it, I didn't want to die, I just wanted to feel something - anything. I remember when I was about 5 or 6 telling my mom I had bad blood. I don't think I even really knew what I meant, but that has stuck with me throughout my life. I have "fought" myself in regards to the cutting and absolutely refused to cut and have been totally miserable. Prozac has helped up to this point, but it's almost like it's not helping anymore. Maybe in some ways I am getting healthier... I don't know. The impulse to cut and run and do other destructive activities has slowed down a lot, but every now and then, it still pops up. When I feel like I need to cut now, I do.

I was so relieved that I'm not alone"

I've been diagnosed with everything: bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, borderline personality disorder, multiple personality disorder... you name it. The therapist I've been seeing for the last year and a half is very helpful. He realizes it's about getting through the feelings of why I do the things I do, and it's not about locking me up anymore (a "habit" my parents got into when they couldn't control me when I was growing up). A couple of months ago, after a therapy session (after I had started cutting again), I went to the bookstore and found A Bright Red Scream by Marilee Strong. Just in the first few pages I was so relieved that I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and that what I feel about when and why I cut is normal for cutters. My mom and dad are even starting to understand more about cutting. It's about release, not dying. My younger son has impulse problems (they're getting better though) and my older son is also on Prozac (he is add). Both my sons are very intelligent and sensitive young men. Even with what I've been through, watching my parents deal with the problems with my children instead of just having them locked up has been wonderful for my growth and gives my being raised the way I was kind of a purpose. I don't know if that makes sense or not... Come to think about it, I don't know if any of this has made any sense. I'm not even sure why I wrote this to you other than I guess I want to say that there is hope.

Other than the occasional cutting, my life is more "normal" and stable than I could have ever asked for. I have two jobs that I love, I'm in a relationship with a man who is sensitive and supportive of me (even with the cutting - he's even trying to understand it!!), I have a good relationship with my boys and my parents, I have a few wonderful friends, and for the most part, most of the time, am very very happy. Like I said, I'm not sure why I wrote this or if it even makes sense, but thank you for listening. :)

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next: Kris